Hey, everybody. Welcome back. So today is another episode with just me, but I'm very excited about it because it's something that basically I thought about all summer long and the more I thought about it, it ended up becoming one of the central themes for this entire season. So it's confidence, and I wanna set it up for you and give you kind of the background of why I wanted to talk about it, and also why it means so much to me, and then kind of get you thinking about what confidence means to you and how you are gaining or learning or experiencing confidence, and how you can be a more confident person, if that's something you'd like to do. so back when I was in college, and even before then, but the specific example is really when I was in college, I was afraid to do anything by myself. Literally anything. The story I always go to is when I was in college, I think it was my junior or senior year, so I was in my early 20s, or at least 20 around then And I was terrified of going to the cafeteria by myself. Like literally, I could not go there because of all the fears I had about it. Like where would I sit? Who would be there? What would people think about me if I'm walking in by myself or sitting by myself? Like I had all these fears, and looking back now, I realize that they were mostly irrational fears, but I was so terrified of going there by myself that I didn't eat lunch on like, I think it was Tuesdays and Thursdays. My friends, roommates, boyfriends, like none of them had same, like their class schedule was different than mine so that none of them were able to go to lunch at the one specific time I had between classes to go to lunch. So I just didn't go to lunch those days. I don't know if you think that sounds terrible or crazy or hilarious, but it's the truth. I couldn't do that. I wouldn't go to places by myself. Now the one exception was shopping. I could always go shopping by myself. In fact, there were times that I would prefer it because I was really into thrifting, still am, and there's something about going through rack after rack of clothes, and that's something that is easier to do by yourself because you don't wanna be with somebody else and like, "Oh, am I taking too long? But anyway, I couldn't do things on my own. If I was going somewhere, I would want somebody to go with me or I would want to know exactly where I was meeting somebody so if we were going into a place, I could walk in with them. And it was, I don't want to maybe exaggerate so much and say it was debilitating, but it was enough that it affected my life that I still remember it 20 years later. So let's talk about it. Did I overcome it? Short answer, yes. How did I overcome it? So this is a fun story, and I promise this will link into more of the episode as we get to it. I went on my first work trip, by myself, in 2008. So I was 25 then, and realized I had to, be a big girl and do things on my own. And I think for the first few nights, I don't remember all the specifics, but I would still go and just get takeout or a delivery because I was not going to eat by myself. And then I realized that to kind of get over this fear, I had to force myself to do it. So I did. I remember this vividly. So I went to a P.F. Chang's that had outdoor seating, and I walked right in and they said, "How many?" And I said, "One. It's just me." And I still felt a little awkward about it, but they acted like it was totally normal. And I went out and they had me sit at an outside table, which I thought was nice. I was kind of away from everybody else, and this was, in the Tampa area, so it was warm and lovely. And I sat there, and I'm pretty sure I brought... I either had my Kindle or a regular book, and I sat there and I read and I ordered my food, and they brought me my food, and I ate my food, and I read my book a little bit more, and I realized I can do this. And if I can do this, then what else can I do? So from there, I also went to see a movie by myself, and that was a little bit awkward too. I think what I did was I waited till right before it was going to start, like the previews were starting, so I wasn't sitting there all by myself because again, I was worried about, oh, what will people think about that girl sitting by herself? And oh, poor her, she doesn't have any friends. Nobody wants to hang out with her. Like, you can see where I was mentally, right? Like it was a bit of a spiral, but I did it, and then all of a sudden it was one of those things where it was like, okay, so I can do it, which means I could do it again, which means I could do it again, and then I would just keep getting better at it and it would become more comfortable. And I am proud to tell you that there are times I quite prefer eating by myself. There is something about being in a place on your own and feeling that you, that you belong there, that you don't need somebody else to be somewhere, that you can just be and exist on your own with or without a book. I can just sit there, I can watch people, I can make conversation with the server, and it's totally fine. But I had to get to that point, and I had to do it on my own and enough times on my own to realize that it was okay. So how does that fit into confidence? I think you can probably kind of piece the things together already, but Where this is going is there are two books that I read. One I read last year, one I read a couple years ago that I feel really connect with these thoughts. So the first one, which I've already kind of talked about some of the things from it, is, Dr. Michael Gervais wrote The First Rule of Mastery: Stop Worrying About What People Think of You. And, it was a life-changing book, and I don't say that, I don't say that lightly. Like, I listened to this as an audiobook, and as I'm listening, I was like, "Oh, my gosh," like, "This is so relevant to what I'm feeling." Like, as I talk about being a people pleaser, which I have mentioned numerous times before, and I am working on it, and I do think I'm getting better. But, this book was huge. I did wanna read a couple things from this book because w- he talks about, people basing their self-worth on performance results. And that's not necessarily how they perform at a sport, 'cause he does do a lot of sports psychology. But it's just about how performing in life, basically. And he says, "We think if we perform successfully, then we'll feel good about ourselves. If I get that book published, if I can close that deal, if I get that promotion, if I get through that to-do list, if I make the honor roll, if I'm the top sales agent again this year, if I get nominated for an Academy Award, if I win our local club tournament, if I win Wimbledon, if my social post goes viral. Our self-esteem becomes contingent on our performance and the outcome of the event. Achieving our performance objective provides only temporary relief because just behind that performance lies the next one. And that struck with me because I feel like that is always something that I have been trying to do. Like my achievement has been based on performance, and I feel like that's where I was lacking a lot of confidence because I felt like I had to be the thing or had to do the thing in order for it to matter. And he goes on to say that our self-worth and va-- when our self-worth and value are based on the results of a performance, it's far easier to play it safe by not trying. We avoid situations we think we might fail. We lose the freedom to test ourselves and see what we are made of. Perfectionism is not driven by a healthy striving for excellence as much it is, is an effort to avoid the negative judgment of others and the shame of not measuring up to our identity. We long for acceptance and belonging, but believe those needs can be met only if our performance meets or exceeds our expectation. And While it's similar to the situation, this is gonna go more into another example that I share, but it goes along with that I was afraid to do things on my own because of what I thought people would think about me, which, yes, sounds silly saying it out loud. But because I wanted that acceptance and that belonging, I felt that if I didn't fit in or if I looked like I didn't fit in, then that wasn't good, and that wasn't... That was causing me discomfort. So the other book that I love, and I highly recommend both of these books, is Hidden Potential: The Science of Achieving Greater Things by Adam Grant. And Adam Grant is another one of my favorites. But he goes on, so like Michael Gervais, he says, you can't become truly comfortable with a skill until you've practiced it enough to master it. But practicing it before you master it is uncomfortable, so you often avoid it. Accelerating learning requires a second form of courage: being brave enough to use your knowledge as you acquire it." So I've talked multiple times about dancing and how dancing was something that I had never done before but always wanted to. So when I signed up for an adult dance class, I didn't know what to expect. I didn't know if I was going to be good at it. I didn't know how other people were going to treat me or judge me. Again, the fear of what people think and feeling like I'm not good enough. So I didn't know how that was gonna go. But I did it, and then after going to the first class, showing up to something on my own where I didn't know anybody, and going in and then being able to learn the steps and keep practicing and getting better and making friends, it's like the more I was able to do it, the more it reaffirmed that it's something that I could do and that I wanted to keep doing it. So then we get to golf, and that's where I really thought that Adam's quote that I just read was so, so relevant when he says, "You can't become comfortable with a skill until you've practiced enough to master it, but practicing it before is uncomfortable." And that's where it was like And let m- maybe you're a star golfer, and maybe you can just go out on the course and hit an amazing game, and you're, like, just the perfect golfer. I am not that person, and being uncomfortable is very hard for me. So I watched so many YouTube videos before I went out and golfed, and I was like, "Okay, I know what to do. I have watched this. I have memorized the steps. I have learned put your feet here and put your arms here and swing like this and look like that." Like, I understood the concept of it and thought that if I knew what to do, that I would be able to master it. Friends, that is not the case. You can know exactly what your stance should be, and you should know exactly what your grip should be, and you can know all those other lead foot, trail foot, where to put everything. You can still completely miss the ball, or at least I did, and it is hard. I do not like failing at things. Both Adam and Michael talk about perfectionism, and I don't like admitting it, because I, I feel like I just keep telling you guys all these things that are wrong with me. But I do suffer from perfectionism, and it is hard for me to not be good at something right away. I recently saw this meme on Instagram that I shared. It came from Chronically Humored, and she said, "Former gifted kids will research a new hobby for six hours before trying it, because God forbid we experience being bad at something recreational." And I was like, "Yes." That is how it felt for me and golf, that I wanted to be able to know everything and do everything and be successful to go out and do it before I actually did it. But the truth is, that's not how it works. And Adam, in his book, Hidden Potential, he has this perfectionism spiral, and it says, "Try something new, make a mistake, say, 'I'll never do that again.' Your comfort zone gets smaller." So again, you try something new, make a mistake, "I'll never do that again." Your comfort zone gets smaller. And it shows literally a spiral that it keeps going over and over and over again. And the more that reinforces that like, "Well, that wasn't good. I'm not good at it. I'm not going to do that," it actually creates more of a fear for people to not try new things, because you have to get out, and you have to be uncomfortable, and you have to keep being uncomfortable, and you have to keep practicing until you master the skill. And that's, to me, what confidence is. Confidence isn't just saying like, "I am going to do the thing." You have to build it up and say, "I think I can do that thing." And by having that belief in yourself and having the courage to go out and do it, and then seeing how it went and learning from the results, then you can do it again and keep going it. But you've gotta take the evidence from the good and the bad. So again, I'm gonna keep using golf because it is such a struggle for me, and I get in my head, and after one bad hit, it can ruin my whole game because I focus on it and I get lost in the, "I'm a terrible golfer. I'm so bad at this. Why am I even doing this?" And doing a two-person scramble, playing with strangers, was even harder for me because the whole time like, "They think I'm a terrible golfer. They're wondering why I'm doing it. They think I should stop." They probably won't, but that's where I was in my head. So being able to Try the thing and try it over and over again, and take the evidence is where you can learn and grow your confidence. So my husband, I love my husband, but there are times when he is golfing with me that he wants to give me unsolicited advice, and he would like to tell me what I could do differently or maybe what I had done wrong. I don't want his unsolicited advice. But he did say something to me that I believe goes along with this. He said, "Whenever you take a shot, take a minute to think about what happened with that shot. If it was good, what was it that was good that you can make sure you do again? If it was bad, just kinda look and say, 'Okay, what do you think went wrong, and what could you change to have make it a better shot?'" And I think that's kind of that way with everything in life too, that whenever a situation happens, especially if it's something that causes you discomfort or something that you are learning to do or trying to do or just trying to be better at, whatever happens, gather the evidence from that of what went right, what went wrong, what can I work on for next time? And then also focusing on those things of what, of what went right to remember that for next time. And again, that's how you build your confidence. So the example I use for this, there is this hole on our course that has what I would call a lake. Other people will call it a water hazard. It is a lake. It is the size of the Atlantic Ocean in my mind. It may not be, but for the sake of the story, that's what it feels like to me. All golf season, I have not been able to hit my ball over this stupid body of water. I have tried multiple clubs. I have tried multiple placements. I can't do it. Well, I can So I was out with my husband one time, and I took my seven iron, and it just sailed over the water like it was nothing. And all of a sudden, I was like, "Okay, I can do this. I need to tell myself that I can do it because I have done it before, which means I can do it again." So fast-forward to the next time it's the water, I'm like, "Okay, I can do this." I could not do it. I, I couldn't do it again. Like, I couldn't replicate whatever it was from that previous golf game. And then I got in my head again and said, "Okay, I can't do it. I, I can't get over the water. I cannot hit my ball over this ocean of water. There... It j- it just can't happen." And I kind of got down on myself. I was like, "Whatever." So when I get to the hole, I pick a ball out. I was prepared to lose, and I would go. I would hit the ball. It would go in the water. I'd say, "Okay, let's move on. Penalty strokes. Let's get to the other side of the water. I don't care." Today, I went with my husband golfing again, and even at the tee box, I said, "I am going to get my ball over this water." So I hit my first shot. It gets to where I know I can hit the ball again, and I go, and I am visualizing it because I'm like, "Okay, I have done this before. I know I can do this. I can hit the ball over the water. I can do this." Kinda like the little engine that could, right? Like, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can. So I'm focusing on, "I know I can do this." And I hit the ball, and it goes up, and it's going over the water, and then it falls right on the other side of the bank right into the water. Done. I turned. I walked away. I said, "I'm not doing this." My husband said, "Yes, you are." And he said, "Come back." He gave me one of his balls. I said, "Okay." I got there, and I focused myself, and I was like, "I can hit this ball. I know I can hit this ball. I have hit this ball before. I visualize myself hitting the ball over the water. I did it. I can do it." I hit the ball. Over, landed perfectly straight in the fairway. It was beautiful. I could do it, but all the times of telling myself I couldn't had basically thrown me off that I really didn't think I was gonna be able to. I had to talk myself back and focus on, "I have done this before. I can do it." And that's the key to it, you guys. Confidence isn't just automatically being able to go out and do something. It is going out and believing that you can do something. It is taking action to do that something, and then it is doing it more than once to reinforce and build that you can do that something. So you have the action. You think that you're gonna do the thing even if you're nervous or inexperienced. You have the action, you do the thing, and then you have the experience knowing that you can do that thing and you can do it again and again. So what does all this mean? Like, what is confidence? Confidence to me is having the belief in myself that I can do something, that I can do hard things, that I can do uncomfortable things, that I can do things I don't really want to, but that I can do them, and I can do them by myself, or I can do them with other people, and I can do it regardless of what people think about me. Anyway, I just want you to think about what is something that you would like to have more confidence in, and what are those steps that you can take to build the confidence? What are the actions you can take to build that up and say, "Yes, look, I can do this," and then build on it again and say, "I did it before, I can do it again"? And I think it's more about that and having that growth mindset. If we're open to things and being able to say, "It's okay I'm not an expert at this. It is okay that I am learning. It is okay that I am growing," and giving ourselves that peace and acceptance and grace and patience to allow that growth, that allowing ourselves to grow is really a part of how we can become the people we want to be, so there you go. You've learned a bit about me and my crazy, irrational fears and how I'm kind of a terrible golfer, but also that I have overcome these things, and I am going to continue growing and being a better golfer, and really, it's just about having fun, all of it. So I will leave you with maybe one other quote. It's not from either of these books, but from another author that I would recommend, Brene Brown, and she said, "You can choose comfort, or you can choose courage, but you cannot have both." And the point is you can either choose to be comfortable and just stay where you are and not learn or grow and just stay stuck or stay in whatever situation you're in or stay not learning new skills or, or you could choose courage, because it does take courage. It takes courage to try something new. It takes courage to put yourself out there. It takes courage to experience a new skill that you're not good at, and... But if you choose courage, then you can get out there and choose courage again and again. Because the courage is where you'll gain confidence. Adam Grant says, "A third form of courage, not just embracing and seeking discomfort, but amplifying it by being brave enough to make more mistakes." So don't just have the courage to try something new, have the courage to be bad at it, have the courage to accept that you're not an expert right away, and then h- use that growth mindset to grow and gain the courage and believe in yourself. You have to step out of your comfort zone. You have to try new things. You have to learn and grow, and I promise you, it'll bring so much joy and happiness and just make you more the person you wanna be. So there's your homework assignment. Find something you've always wanted to do or something that maybe you're interested in, and go do it. Just find a class, or find a friend who already does it, or watch a YouTube video and then actually do it. Don't just watch it. Go out and do it. And I can't wait to hear about all the things you're going to try. And stay tuned this season, because we will have several episodes of people who have done exactly just that, stepping outside their comfort zone, trying new things, even if it was scary or hard or they weren't sure how they would do at it, and their stories of How they learned and grew, became more confident, and became the more the person they wanted to be. All right, guys, we'll talk again soon. Thanks. Bye.