Welcome to season two of Talk with Kristen with an E. This season, we're digging a little deeper into leadership, personal growth, and the courage it takes to follow your passion. Real conversations, honest reflections, because life isn't perfect and neither are we. Hey everyone, and welcome back there's no guest. today, it's just me, and I am excited about the topic, There are all these things in my head that I feel like I need to share, honestly. I feel like, if you are here, this message is for you. This has been on my heart and I feel like I need to share it. I don't know who needs to hear it. I think partly I need to hear it, which is why saying it out loud is going to be helpful, but there's probably others that need to hear it too. So today we are going to talk about rejection and how you deal with rejection by being resilient. Now what actually is resilience? The technical definition from the dictionary is resilience. The capacity to withstand or to recover quickly from difficulties, toughness, the ability of a substance or object to spring back into shape elasticity. If you just Google it. The AI overview from Google says, resilience is the ability to adapt well in the face of adversity, trauma, or stress, and bounce back from difficult experiences. And it talks about how it's adaptability, not immunity to hardship. A combination of factors. It's really like if you have a rubber band, you can stretch it and stretch it and when you're done it'll go back to its original size that's kind of how it is in your life. When a situation stretches you, you don't let it change who you are. You're able to bounce back there are times when situations happen and you bounce back, but you also grow and learn from them. And I think it's almost more important that you don't take the negative situations or stress or trauma and. Just go back to the way you were, because I think there's always lessons to learn and ways to grow from it. So that's what I wanted to talk about today, mostly because a situation very near and dear to my heart recently just happened, and it started getting me thinking about all these other situations that I had been in and how I grew from them so that I could help somebody else who was very near and dear to me. My son recently tried out for the junior high basketball team and this was a huge deal on many levels. To give you a bit of background so you understand why this situation was so important to my son and to our family we are a basketball family. my husband played basketball for probably his whole life. He was being scouted and recruited throughout middle school, junior high, high school and was ready to go on scholarship. Unfortunately some things happened and that didn't work out. Injuries, life stuff, i, on the other hand, played one year of basketball in 10th grade simply because my friend Heather asked me to be on the team with her. And I knew that if I played basketball, I could ride the bus to the away games and be with the boys and I had a crush forever on the guy who played basketball. So of course I was gonna do that. I went to a small private school and there were no tryouts. Basically, if you signed up and paid the money to be on the team, you were just there. I was not good and part of it was because I didn't wanna be good. My mindset was really, if I wasn't good at something right away, then that was just it. Looking back I know that I didn't try very hard on the drills. I didn't take it seriously. I probably could have been better. My stats are very easy to remember from that one year in 10th grade because I scored exactly two points the entire season. But to this day, I still remember making that one basket, and the entire gym was so excited for me. Like parents, people who probably didn't even know me. Everybody cheered because, the girl that's terrible at basketball finally made a basket that was a very good feeling. So the story here is that husband very good at basketball. Me, not good at all. Poor son got a lot of good qualities from me, but unfortunately also got my basketball qualities. So he is naturally not the most athletic child, and I'm not saying that. I'm not being mean to my child here. He is fully aware of this and we have had this conversation multiple times I have apologized to him for the genetic makeup that I have passed on to him, but also pointed out that that's why he's so smart because of me. So anyway. So he has had to work a little bit harder and he has been playing basketball, in different rec leagues and things like that since he was in kindergarten. He started going to a little camp and he couldn't even dribble. So the fact that he's come this far is really amazing. He played, more competitively through third, through sixth grade. He was never picked for the best team. We would joke. That he'd end up on the leftover team. Where, they put the boys who didn't get picked for the best team and that's fine because he loves the game, but we knew in junior high he was actually going to have to try out. So we got him to go to one of the local college camps over the summer. He'd been practicing a lot, his shooting, his drills. And then during school, when school started, he would be playing, with his friends during their free time. He put a lot of work into it. Tryouts were a big deal and he was really excited. We knew he'd put the work in. We knew he was gonna do his best, but we also knew it was gonna go one of two ways. There was going to be a lesson to learn regardless of what happened. The lesson was either going to be, see when you want something, you work really hard and then you can get it. Or lesson two was going to be, well, sometimes even when you put the work in and try your best, you just don't get what you want and that's okay too. So he went to the three days of tryouts and from what he said, he did his best. He put it all out there and did what he could. Unfortunately he still didn't make the team. He was positive when he called me at work about it, he said, well, mom, do you want the good news or the bad news? I said, okay, gimme the bad news. He said, okay, well I didn't make the seventh grade team. I said, oh, well that's okay buddy. What's the good news? He's like, I got a three day free basketball camp, it's true. And he did learn more and, got to play and be there and understand more what it took. But that was also him masking it a little bit because I do think it hurt, he had a lot of friends make the team and we were very excited for the boys that did make it. A lot of the boys we know very well and very excited that they made the team and they're gonna have a really good team, but it still stings when your kid doesn't. And then how do you deal with it and how does he deal with it? So there was a lot there. And I'm not gonna go into all the details because this isn't, you know, it's not my story to tell, that's his story. I just wanted to share from my perspective where we were and why this rejection and resiliency came up in my mind as something I wanted to talk about. Because I have been there also, while it wasn't a basketball team, I have been rejected from multiple parts and plays. I told him the story of one of the first auditions I went to when I was younger, it was for a part in Cinderella. Which I loved I had watched, the original Rogers and Hammerstein, with real people. I watched that sang all the songs I wanted to be in Cinderella so bad, my parents took me to this audition. I feel like I did very well and there was nothing not a call. Nothing. It was hard because, it was something I wanted so much there were a lot of parts I didn't get. In the business world, there's been jobs I've applied for that I didn't get, or promotions I applied for and didn't get. In relationships, there's people I wanted to be with that didn't want to be with me, there's people I thought I was friends with. but The friendship didn't work out. There is rejection. Everywhere in life. The sooner you learn how to deal with it and bounce back, the better you are. When you take those situations and the lessons you need from them to learn and grow, the better human you'll be. So in preparing for the possibility of him not making the team, I remembered that I had written some blog posts for a blog at work several years ago. About that resiliency piece and bouncing back. The way the promotion cycles at where I work, the way the promotion cycles worked were that you would put together a whole package and it would go forward to a panel and they would rate it and basically determine if you were ready for promotion. And then if you were selected, then you'd be able to apply for jobs at the next higher level from wherever you are. So it was kind of like you were applying to be promotable so that you could then apply for the promotions. It's weird, and believe me, there are pros and cons and flaws to the process, but it's what we were using at the time. I put in multiple times, I believe it was four, until I finally got promoted, to my current level. I had written multiple blog posts about it. So this is kind of gonna be like one of those, dear diary episodes that I've done. Except it's not a diary, it's blog posts, and I think there's three or four of them. And I was just gonna read them because honestly, I think there is still some wisdom here that is good to share while they were written specifically for promotion, I've been able to use, much of the language from this also for my son in not getting the basketball team. I would encourage you that if there is a situation or a hard time you are going through and you're kind of feeling rejected that I think this may be helpful for you too. So, we'll just read a few of them. If you didn't get promoted this time around June 27th, 2017, congratulations to all the newly promotings. It looks like it's a really great list this year, and I'm excited to see all that you'll be able to accomplish in this next season of your career. If however, you did not get promoted this cycle, then this post is for you. Being not selected can cause a lot of mixed emotions. You're happy to see people you know and respect be promoted. It's exciting to have friends make it to that level, but it's also a crappy feeling to know it's not you. This time I could share all kinds of platitudes to help you feel better. A setback is only a setup for a comeback or some other fortune cooking, motivational poster kind of statement. That's not what you need right now. What do you need? You need to know it's okay. All of it. It's okay to be pissed at the process. It's okay to feel inadequate and inferior. It's okay to be jealous. It's okay to wonder why not me. It's okay to be secretly glad you didn't get it because you don't want to have to move. Change jobs, do something else, whatever. It's even okay to be a little bit happy that the slacker down the hall who doesn't deserve it. Also didn't get it. You are entitled to all your feelings and allowed to feel all of it. Being rejected is hard. Maybe you auditioned for Fiddler on the Roof and instead of a decent role, you were cast as woman number two, maybe a year into your relationship with college boyfriend. He told you that his mother was certain you were not the one for him, and he broke up with you. Maybe you worked your butt off and had a number of people review your promotion package and you still didn't get it. All of these situations, you were basically rejected and you'd have a lot of feelings. But what makes you who you are is what you do after you feel all the feelings. This is where I get into my pep talk. A wise person once told me that you can tell the true character of a person based on how they respond to adversity. This promotion, rejection is your adversity. Let me encourage you to take this time and focus not on how you missed this opportunity, but how you are going to plan for next year. Work on your package sooner. Seek out more mentors, ask for more feedback. Determine to show them that while they may not have thought you were ready this year, you are ready. You'll prove to all of them that you deserve it. No matter where you are in this organization or the world, you can make a difference. You are important. And you know what? After I was woman number two, I got the lead as Hermia in the next springs production of a Midsummer Night's dream. I met my husband seven months after college. Boyfriend broke up with me, and I'm confident that something else wonderful will happen to me despite this current rejection of not getting promoted. Good things are out there for you too. Don't give up. And then a few years past, try to decide which one I want to read next. Let's go, we'll just go in chronological order. The epiphany I had about promotion season January 10th, 2019, when I was younger, all I wanted to be when I grew up was an actress. Not in Hollywood, but on Broadway. I didn't want the fame and fortune, I just loved performing the lights, the stage, the sounds to me there was no business like show business. My dream was feasible. I'd been in every school and church play or musical as a child, and in high school I became very active in community theater. I was going to go to college for theater and move to New York City. One of my first acting classes, the professor said, you always have a job as an actor. Auditioning is your job. Well, that and waitressing because you've gotta pay the bills somehow. I was talking with a mentor yesterday about this upcoming promotion process, and he said something that I'm sure we've heard before, but it had a different meaning to me this time. He said, you may not get promoted this year. It doesn't mean you're not qualified. It just means there may be someone more qualified. There are people more qualified than you. Stop and think about that for a minute. He also made a point about sometimes we don't get jobs or promoted because we're not exactly what they're looking for. Maybe we just don't fit the part they're needing to fill, and then it all made sense. Putting in for promotion is just like auditioning. Most auditions, you show up with a prepared monologue or a bit to present to the director or production team. They probably already have an idea of what they're looking for, but you just show up and do your best. Sometimes you'll get a callback and they'll want to see more. Sometimes you just get a thank you and nothing happens. Sometimes you get the part. Sometimes lots of times you don't. That doesn't mean you're less of an actress or that you are not good at what you do. It just means you are not what they wanted at that time. Someone else might have been more qualified. I didn't write some feel good. Pick you up. You didn't get promoted this time around post last year. I did the year before, because last year, that's not where I was last year. I had so many people saying things like, this is your year. You've worked so hard, you'll be promoted this time around. After all, it was my third time trying. Third time is a charm, right? The countless hours and reviews I had on my package, I put the work in. Clearly I would be rewarded. Spoiler alert, I was not promoted. I was devastated. Not because I wasn't promoted, but because my brain interpreted it as I'm not good enough. Whatever happens. Don't let that define you. I have that quote on a piece of paper hanging above my computer at work. It was hard to realize it. The defeat on that July day was defining me. I felt that my work didn't matter, that I didn't matter, that I wasn't qualified. There are others more qualified than you? There were parts I auditioned for it that I didn't get. There were times I was only woman number two or member of the ensemble. But it never stopped me from preparing and going to another audition because every monologue I memorized, every bar of music I practiced, continued making me a better actress. And that is why friends, I continue to improve my promotion package and rewrite my essay because it's making me better. And someday, when I am what they're looking for, I'll be ready to accept the role and play my part. I encourage you to do the same. There may always be someone more qualified than you when you put in for a job or promotion. Don't let that stop you. You keep working on you and how you present yourself in your resume, cover letters, et cetera. Your time will come. Don't give up. And that one was great because. I feel like it was very relevant to my son as we talked to him about how it's not that he's not a good basketball player, it's not that he didn't put the work in, they have to build a team and there are certain pieces they need to build that team and certain skills they're looking for, it doesn't mean he's less of a player, it's just he wasn't what they needed for that part of the team. And I think it's very, very similar to what I was sharing there. For people who weren't promoted. So then if you didn't get promoted again, July 24th, 2019. Well, here we are again friends. The selection notice went out last month and some are still getting their phone calls now. Anyone who's read this blog for any amount of time knows I've shared a number of posts about not getting promoted and allowing yourself to feel the feelings and then getting back up and trying again. This year, I want to do something a little different. I am going to share a letter I wrote to myself one year ago in preparation of receiving the dreaded, sorry, not this year news. It's personal, but in talking to some of my dear friends who are going through this again, I'm sharing in hopes that it will help you. Remember, this is not the end. It is just one page in your story. Dear, insert your name here. If you are reading this, it's because you didn't get promoted. It's the insert number of how many times you've applied here time, and really it shouldn't be so hard. But honestly, the pain and rejection never get any easier. So there are a few things I want you to know. First, this does not define you. Not being promoted does not make you less of a worker, less of a friend, less of a mother, father, partner, or less of a person. This doesn't mean anything. Second, the promotion process isn't perfect. Not being promoted doesn't mean you aren't good enough. It means that there weren't enough spots for all the really great people like you to get promoted this time. If you're feeling bad about it, please read the above paragraph. This does not mean you are less of anything. Third, a wise woman once said, I do not have to be the best as long as I do my best. Let me remind you, you did your best. You put the work into the package. You had multiple reviews. You edited and updated over and over. You are proud of what you submitted, and it was an accurate representation of who you are. There was nothing else you could have done. You did your best fourth. Eventually they'll run out of other people to promote and it will have to be your turn. so don't quit applying. You are not a quitter. You can take a break and figure out what you want to do next, but you will not be any less than what you already are. You are a hard worker. You will continue to work hard. You want to make every position better when you leave than when you got there. You will continue to do that. You care about people and that they are taken care of and undeveloped. You will continue to do that. You will continue to make this organization a better place. You will support you, will serve you will be amazing. This lack of promotion is no reflection of who you are. This doesn't change anything. The person you were before you got the news is the same person you are now. Now you're just a little hurt and pissed off and frustrated and probably crying, but that's okay. Feel the feelings, then get over it and go back to being your awesome self. This is not the end. And that's also what we shared with my son. Um, we had told him that, it doesn't change anything. So you were either gonna be on the team or you weren't gonna be on the team. It didn't change anything else about you. And I think that's something that we all need to know when we go through hard times and we're struggling and we feel like there's nothing we can do, or that everything's against us or that we're failing that we're not. As long as we're doing our best and we're learning and growing, then everything is exactly the way it's supposed to be. So I did have one other blog post that I wanted to share. This was not specific about promotion, but it was another one of those kind of life lessons that I wanted to share about how sometimes we see things and it looks like it's negative and we wanna stop and give up and how we can't or shouldn't. So this is the last one I'll read. When the rain comes, dealing with difficult situations June 10th, 2019, you probably haven't missed the fact that it's been raining a lot. A couple weeks ago I was driving home and had a realization of another leadership lesson. It was a Tuesday and it was a sudden hard rain. You know the ones you look up at the sky and think, Hmm, it's getting a little gray, and then bam, big, huge, heavy raindrops. A deluge, floods coming down all around you. You get the idea. Cars were slowing down and visibility was worsening. I saw a car cut over two lanes and park under an overpass, presumably going to wait out the storm until it was safer for him to drive. He was tempting. He was getting so hard to see. Stopping. Seemed like a safe solution, maybe even easier, but I kept driving. I could see it clearing up ahead, and the sky wasn't as dark. Maybe it wasn't even raining. I had to just keep going, and I knew the rain would stop. I knew it would be better. I was going to get through it, so I kept driving. It wasn't more than a couple miles and it happened. The rain just stopped as fast as it came in, it was gone. There was even a hint of sunshine, and I was there because I kept driving. What's the point of this? I shall explain. Sometimes rain comes in our life. Sometimes it's a breakup, sometimes it's an illness. Sometimes it's a rejection letter from a job or a promotion. And when rain comes in our life, there are ways we can respond. We can stop and wait for things to get better. We can shut down and give up, or we can keep driving knowing that the rain isn't there forever, that there is something better on the other side. We are coming up on the time of year when promotion announcements are being made and as per usual, there will be excitement and disappointment if you're on the side of disappointment. While the rejection, whether the first time or the fifth time will hurt and feel like you're drowning under a downpour, you must keep driving. The clouds will clear, the sun will come back, and you'll be farther ahead than the people who quit and parked under the overpass. Don't stop driving. So there you have it, friends. A little bit of wisdom from Kristen from the past. Which actually I think it's really good and I know it's because I wrote it myself and I'm kind of biased. And also that was like before anybody was using AI to write anything. So that was all literally me. So going through all those blog posts and talking about helping my son deal with it, I also remembered that we'd learned about. Resiliency in my leadership program. I just wanted to share a few things from that. Because I talk about resilience and resilient leadership and how you cope with stress, pressure, adversity, and change coming. And part of it is personality and part of it can be trained. And that's the part I really wanna focus on is helping people learn how to be more resilient. The four key traits people need in order to be led and balanced, even when under pressure, one feeling of self-control, need to feel they're in control of their own destiny. Two, feeling of belonging, being part of a team or community. Three, feeling of self-worth and tendency to increase your own self-worth. And four, striving for happiness and joy. So I would just encourage you, whether you're going through a hard time now, or you've been through a hard time and you've been able to bounce back from it and build resiliency, just focus on how you did it and maybe help somebody else. Talks about being part of a team or a community. If there's somebody around you going through a hard time, maybe you can help them. Maybe there's somebody who didn't get a job. Maybe there's somebody who's going through a relationship. Problem. or they Didn't get picked for a role on a basketball team or a theatrical production, or they're just struggling with personal issues, health issues. If there's anything you can do to help somebody else, I would encourage you to do that. Also how you can just kind of. Learn on your own. The final thing is I love Adam Grant. If you have not read or listened to a book by Adam Grant, I would encourage you to, the one I most recently listened to was Hidden Potential, the Science of Achieving Greater Things. Hidden Potential offers a new framework for raising aspirations and exceeding expectations. Adam Grant weaves together groundbreaking evidence, surprising insight, and vivid storytelling that takes us from the classroom to the boardroom, the playground to the Olympics, and underground to outer space. Progress depends less on how hard you work than how well you learn. Growth is not about the genius you possess, it's about the character you develop. Grant explores how to build the character skills and motivational structures to realize our own potential and how to design systems that create opportunities for those who have been underrated and overlooked. So I'm thinking about doing a series of book club podcasts on this book. It's not necessarily an entertaining book, but it is one that I feel fits the direction we're going right now with growth and learning that it's not necessarily the people that have the best talent, but the ones that are able to learn and grow. And that's what I'm trying to do with this podcast. The season is help us find ways to learn and grow. I hope that you got something out of this that it's meaningful or maybe you'll just save it. for When you are going through a hard time, You'll think, you know what? I think Kristen had an episode about that, that may be able to help me now. So just hang in there. Friends, we are all going to get through this and be better for it. And if you need anything, you can reach out to me, email, see on Instagram, you know how to get ahold of me. All right. Bye guys. That's a wrap for this week's episode. Thanks so much for spending time with me. Until next time, be honest with yourself. Ask the hard questions, and remember, you are not alone on this journey.