Kristen 0:35

Hey everybody. Welcome back. It is another virtual book club episode. Today we have Kelly and Alexis back with us again. Hi Kelly. Hey guys. Hey Alexis. Hello. For those of you just joining us, we are doing a virtual book club for the month of May and we are doing the book Perfect is Boring and Tastes like Kale by Jess Johnston. If you haven't read yet, you wanna go back and listen to our earlier episodes where we do an intro about the book and go over expectations and a little bit about what it's gonna be about. And then last week's episode, we talked about part one, which was lies one through five. If you wanna pause, go back, catch up on those, you can. Or you can just stay in this one because there's still gonna be a lot of great information we share with you. So, before we get into all the details, what did you guys think of this section this time? Like were there parts that you related to, things that stood out?

Kelly 1:36

Yeah, I took a good bit of notes on this one. There were definitely some. Lies that I resonated with more than a couple of the others, but overall it was really good.

Kristen 1:48

What about you, Alexis? Overall thoughts on part two of the book?

Alexis 1:55

I think maybe in some ways these ones, I. I related to more than the part one, but they've all been applicable to my life I've really enjoyed that and it was a good one. It was a good part. Two, I really enjoyed it.

Kristen 2:09

So I agree with that. I was taking even more notes and having more comments because, these definitely spoke to me more. part two is called the lies that Keep us from Connection Or How to Quit Performing and Start Belonging. Lie number six. If I'm rejected, I will die. Lie number seven. My job is to keep people happy and make sure they like me. Lie number eight, neighbors are weird. Lie number nine, asking for help is a terrible idea because then everyone is going to know I need help. Now that we know the chapter numbers, if you guys wanna say which one was the most relatable for you? For me this time, I think it was definitely my job is to keep people happy and make sure they like me. 'cause that's really something I struggle with. Alexis, did you have one of those chapters that was most relatable to you?

Alexis 3:06

Number seven, two. And Callie?

Kelly 3:13

I definitely resonated with seven as well. But I had a lot of thoughts on eight and nine also,

Kristen 3:22

well, we will jump right into it then. So the overall part of part two is the, lies that keep us from connecting or how to quit performing and start belonging. So a lot of it was about rejection and feeling like you have to, like she said, the performing part. Like you're putting yourself out there and performing instead of just belonging, which I feel like is a. Huge thing in my life. So when we're looking at connection and you think about where you're at now, how would, what does real connection look like today? First five years ago?

Alexis 3:59

For me, things are just different. I mean, we had a complete life change in five years as far as moving to someplace new. We have different opportunities now, and in a lot of ways those opportunities have allowed me to connect more with people. I would say I actually have a better support system and connection now than I did five years ago. But I also think that some of that comes with age. My kids are older and I feel like I'm not struggling in diapers and. Potty training and all of that. Like little kids, we, I'm at a different point and so I think that mine is actually better. I think I've worked through some of the things that this book talks about, but obviously not 100% there, they've kind of naturally worked themselves out as I've aged and as my kids have aged. So for me, I would say things are better than they are now just because of location and just some life changes that we made. As far as moving.

Kelly 4:57

Yeah, so my story's kind of similar. We also have done an out-of-state move, a couple of years ago. Looking back to, 2020 or even before, I know for a handful of years I fell into. A rut with social media where I was utilizing that to replace true connection. I kind of believed that was enough for socializing. I'm scrolling, I'm keeping up with my friends. I know what's going on. But nothing else much was happening beyond that. I wasn't really getting together with friends. And if I did. It felt like it had to be pre-planned. Okay, we're gonna go out to dinner on this night, whatever. But now, after moving, I feel like we just have built a better community here. Also five years ago, like we have like fallen away from church and things like that. And so we really didn't have strong community. We had our parents and coworkers, and that was kind of it. But after moving, we got plugged into a church. And so that brings a whole other group of people into your life. Now I've kind of moved away from, social media I cherish the face to face so much more than I did. Five years ago. And just like the spontaneous hangouts, if I want to get with a friend, I don't feel like it has to be a premeditated thing where we think like, oh, it's gonna be this date. Just come over in your sweats. My house might be a mess. I probably am too, but that's okay.

Kristen 6:29

Exactly. I love that you bring that part up because not having all the stress and pressure and trying to coordinate calendars and find a location. Like, it's almost like, it's just easier now and it's just spontaneous and just like text or call somebody, like, Hey, what are you doing? You wanna come over? It sounds crazy because you're like, but we need to plan it. But it's almost better if you don't. It is interesting to hear you both because you've, you know, you've had the moves and connections kind of changed for me, I think that how I've viewed what connection is, is more what's changed, and I feel if I stick to that five years, we were still dealing with COVID, so there was no. In real life stuff, all of the connection was virtual and that's how you were keeping in touch with everybody. Connection to me was more if my social card was full, right? Like, did I have people that I was going out with? Did I have things that I was doing? Was I connected with different people doing different activities? To me, that's how I felt connected. But at the same time, I always felt empty because I was never getting past what I've called on the podcast before. The shallow friendships. The superficial, you're quote unquote friends and you do things together, but you don't get to know who they really are. Alexis, to your point, I do think this is also an age thing too, as I've matured and my. Interest desires. What I need has changed to me. Now, I'm looking for those deeper connections where you can sit and talk about what's on your heart, what's bothering you, what your struggles are, what you believe. And I don't even mean just religion wise, but what you believe about the world, about yourself, about other people. Really being able to get to those conversations and build a deeper connection so you get past the acquaintance, you get past the friend, like you get to those true people with that you have real relationship with. I think that's more what connection is to me now

Alexis 8:28

I agree.

Kristen 8:30

I think finding that real connection can be harder. It's easy to make shallow, superficial friends. You can meet anybody and talk about the weather sports books, but being able to get to that, is more challenging.

Alexis 8:44

Yeah, that is a good point, I do think it's harder in that regard because. I don't know why it's harder, but I would agree with that.

Kelly 8:54

You have to step out of your comfort zone to find those deeper connections and be willing to get vulnerable with people.

Kristen 9:06

Well, Kelly, I think that's where sometimes your way of doing things can make that a little bit easier or more comfortable 'cause it is outside your comfort zone. But if you're having people in your space and in your home already, I feel like you are already building that. Like I'm letting you see my messy, I'm opening up to you. I'm ready for that deeper connection. But as you mentioned, it's out of your comfort zone. That can lead to rejection too, so what would you say to your younger self about rejection?

Kelly 9:37

I know that it stings now when you're in the thick of it and you feel like you're doing something wrong. One day you will be able to find your people. Sit with that, and know that you're gonna find the people who are gonna sit with you in your messes and love you regardless. And when that person or those people come, cherish them it's really hard when you've gone through. Difficult friendship things, friendship, breakups, whatever the case may be. Rejection, it can be really hard to then let the right people in. Try not to hold past hurts and experiences against the ones who are surrounding you now.

Kristen 10:26

That's good.

Kelly 10:27

That's good.

Kristen 10:29

Yeah. I liked the first part you had too, but that ending part, that's really good. Alexis, what would you tell your younger self about rejection?

Alexis 10:42

Not everybody is for everybody. Different personalities get along with different personalities and it's okay if you don't necessarily get along with them and they don't necessarily get along with you or you just don't jive. It's not even that you don't get along, it's just that you have different interests. You are just different people and that's okay. This is something that I've had to really work through, through the years in that that's not where your value should come. I mean, I, as you guys know, I'm a Christian, so that's not where my value is and what people think of me. It should be my value is in Christ I have to remind myself of that weekly that it doesn't matter what others think 'cause that's not what my value is. So it's okay if I'm not for them, but I have Christ and he is always there for me. So that's what I would say.

Kristen 11:35

So I think if I were talking to my younger self about rejection. I would be honest with her and say, it's a bummer being rejected, but being able to accept that not everyone is going to like you, and that's okay because you are not going to like everybody else, and that is okay. If you can get past the rejection and stop trying to find validation in other people's opinions of you and grow your confidence from within, the sooner you can do that the more abundant life you'll be able to have. You can flourish when you stop caring about if people like you or not and just accept that you like you and build upon that. That's what I would say.

Kelly 12:32

Yeah. 'cause when you're trying to hang out and invest time in these people who you don't have that sense of belonging with. You're just know, being a performer, it's exhausting. Like, just the idea of getting together with those groups of people. It's so draining, and then when you leave, you don't feel fulfilled. But when you find your people, or even just your one friend who you can just completely be yourself with when you get together because you're not performing, you're not trying to put, you know, on any kind of front. Those times that you're together are just so fulfilling and so life-giving, because you don't have to pretend.

Kristen 13:15

Yes, and I wish I had learned that sooner. And I'm glad you brought up the performing part, which, Jess also covers in her chapters, but I feel like I've been doing that for so long. And you're right, it is exhausting. I recently saw something on Instagram. I can't remember if I shared it or if I just saved it. But it was talking about pay attention to how you feel after you spend time with people. If you feel exhausted or fulfilled, to pay attention to that and the relationships or friendships where you're feeling they're draining you, it's okay to pull back from them or even end them completely the ones that you aren't yourself around or that you are not belonging with, may not be. I'll say it's a waste of your time, but it may not be a good use of your time.

Kelly 14:00

Yeah,

Alexis 14:03

yeah. I would even go as far as to say, and some people might think this is terrible but sometimes even in family, that can be the case. And sometimes you have to pull back from family, even if they're draining you. It doesn't mean that you don't love them, and you wouldn't help them if needed, but if it's a constant drain on you. It's okay to pull back 'cause I've been there and I've had to do that at points in my life.

Kristen 14:28

Yeah. And I think the healthy boundaries, you know, at some point you have to take care of yourself and not everybody else. Which goes to the people pleasing aspects of the book too, of really getting away from trying to do everything for everybody else. Think about a time when you didn't ask for help and you wish you had. Line number nine is asking for help is a terrible idea because then everyone is going to know I need help. But has there been a time in your life where you didn't ask for help and maybe you wish that you had? How did that go?

Alexis 15:01

Yeah, I think even in my earlier years with motherhood, I wish I would've asked for more help. We lived so rural and I had family around. They were great and helped so much, but I wish I would've, leaned on them for other things. One thing that comes to mind is when we moved from Michigan to here, it was in the height of Covid. My family was sick with a cold. And of course, you know, if you're sick with a cold, you automatically had covid, I wish we had reached out to people and asked them to help us load up our moving truck and move. We have five kids, so we in like five days had to finish packing up our house and get it all loaded and travel, and it was exhausting I wish we had asked for help for action, like packing the pick up because my husband and I did it. Our kids helped, but they were younger and they just weren't the biggest help. And in all honesty, they were sometimes a hindrance because, you know, they don't, everything's chaotic. So, obviously it would've, it was a hindrance in that. And I still look back and I wish we would've done it because we would've had more time to say goodbyes enjoy the last few things frantically getting out of our house. Like we didn't really even get to say goodbye and I loved that house and I wish we kind of would've been able to say goodbye. So that is one regret I have about not asking for help and I will never do that again.

Kelly 16:27

I cannot relate to that. We've moved a lot, but we like our last few moves we. Just straight up asked for help from family and friends. I couldn't think of any specific scenario like that. But for me, I was thinking more so for times when I needed emotional support. That's a really hard one for me to admit that I'm struggling. There have been multiple instances where I just internalized things for a long time eventually those feelings all start to bubble up I was kind of feeling that, at the end of 2024 I was kind of getting to that point with like just burnout with work and life and just a lot of things and, but I wasn't really talking about it and it started to show itself in other ways. Learning to. Admit when you're struggling and being able to talk that through with people is really important.

Kristen 17:34

Yeah, for sure. I can relate to that because I also will keep things inside and let it bubble up, and then I just explode. People are like, we didn't even know that you had that going on. Why didn't you ask for help? A few months ago, things at work were not great and I felt like I had to do it all because if I didn't do it, who was going to do it or if I gave it to somebody else, they weren't gonna do it right. So I just needed to do it myself. But then I just kept taking on so much, and then I remember just cracking and I started crying and I'm like, but I've got this and I've got this. And like, well, why don't you give that to somebody else? Once I was able to be like, okay, well let me see if I can have somebody do this and somebody do that. And it is hard asking for help 'cause it's like, well I should be able to do all this. Like, this is my job, I can do it. And it is really hard for me to admit that I can't, well not that I can't see, I can't even admit it now. But it's hard for me to admit that maybe I can't do it all. Or I do need some help. It is really hard for me, and I don't know if it's a pride thing or it's just like she says, because I have this image, like people think that I'm competent and that I can do things and I am competent, but if I need help, what if they think I can't? So it's hard for me. It's hard. Which leads us into the highlights from the chapters. Does somebody wanna go first and share something that stuck out with you from the line? Number six, if I'm rejected, I will die.

Kelly 19:11

Yeah. I related to that a lot. When she was talking about how she had texted someone to ask if they wanted to get together and they didn't immediately text back. After an hour she was like, this person hates me, but she doesn't wanna say it. I am so guilty of that sometimes. A funny example that popped into my head with that was, I can't remember if I said this on the podcast or not, but I was going out for our church worship team and they do ask that you send in a video of you singing just 'cause like there's people out there who would try to join and really can't carry a tune. They just like to know what they're dealing with when you're coming into it. And so, I sent my video in. This was the week leading into Easter, so I knew that the worship director was very busy and they were practicing, rehearsing all the things. I fully, logically did not expect to hear back until that following week. But I sent my video. On like a Tuesday. Because I hadn't heard back by Friday, I was like, they hated it. I was terrible. When she was talking about that, it made me laugh because I'm so guilty of that. I think probably a lot of us are.

Kristen 20:28

Oh, for sure. If somebody doesn't message me back in what I think is a reasonable amount of time, I'm like, that's it. She hates me. I did something wrong. She's mad at me. Meanwhile, I can be sometimes the worst at texting back I'm not mad at anybody. And I think we've done this before too, where you see a text, you reply in your head, but you don't actually send it. And then like three days later you're like, why didn't so and so write back to me? Oh, because I never actually replied.

Kelly 20:54

Yes, I do that often. And so I've, gotten better at just chilling out and reminding myself like, people are busy. It doesn't mean anything, that they're not responding to you right now.

Kristen 21:06

Or if they do respond and it's just like, okay, or Yeah, sounds good. And I'm like, but there's no emoji. And it's just a period, what did I do wrong? The line that I highlighted in this chapter was she said, I have a friend who seems like the most secure person in the entire world, but if you ask her, she will tell you that she's often terrified. She just makes it by, she just masks it by projecting security. If she hadn't told me that from her own lips, I wouldn't have believed it, I have both seen people like that, and I think I have been someone like that where it's definitely a mask. Like if, I keep saying everything's fine, it'll be fine. And I think it's kind of that thing. And I think Kelly, you'd mentioned too, imposter syndrome. Like if everybody thinks I have it all together, then it'll be perfect and everything's all together. But how she said it about not realizing what other people is what got me thinking there's other people that may have insecurities like I do too, and I think they've got it all together and it's not. So, I don't know. It's just one of those things that really just makes me think. Alexis, did you have anything from this chapter?

Alexis 22:15

I did. Only a couple things that I could relate to. The part that she talks about, how they chose like a certain evening every week. Friday to keep it simple and then like you wake up the next morning and you're gonna be like, this is a terrible idea. And that is my life to a tee, because I just get super. I like things planned, but if I have to commit to it and then that week is just crazy with whatever happens and I have that on my plate, it just feels so stressful. And just even the frantic cleaning like that is, that is us. If we're having people over, there's the frantic cleaning and I've gotten better where I try to do it sooner, and I've even gotten to the point last year. Where there were things I didn't clean because we're not coming inside. I don't need to clean my house. We're having a barbecue out on our deck. So I feel like I've gotten better about it, but I could relate to all that. And it's not even necessarily about rejection. It's just about this happening to have things Perfect. Which is ironic if you think about it, right? Because that's what we're working on. That's where we've been. I can relate to that. I mean, when she was saying that, it's even just simple things like committing to helping out at church every, Wednesday for months on end. Wait, that's a lot. What if we're sick? My brain probably goes a little too far onto that, so I laughed and I could relate to that entire story.

Kelly 23:39

I laughed when she said, kale tastes like broken dreams.

Kristen 23:43

Yes. Sorry, Alexis.

Kelly 23:49

I was like, oh, that line probably hurt Alexis A. Little. She's like, no.

Alexis 23:55

I giggled about it and I thought, well, that's okay. Some people may think that, and I can see where, I mean, it's definitely not a brownie. Let's be honest, it's not a brownie. Right. But if you're trying to get your fruits and veggies in, I personally like kale.

Kelly 24:09

That's funny. I related a lot to when she was just talking about them, making it a point to invite people over.

Kristen 24:17

Yes.

Kelly 24:17

Because that is something that we have done a lot of since we moved a couple of years ago. And kind of like she said, like we just started by like, oh, we've talked to this couple at church like a handful of times. Let's just ask 'em if they wanna come over for dinner on Friday. We've made a habit of that and. It has led to some really beautiful friendships. Others like they've come over. We've had a good time and things haven't necessarily grown into a deep friendship, but that's okay. Not everyone has to be your best friend to still hang out on occasion.

Kristen 24:55

Well, yeah, and I think overcoming the fear of rejection is doing it more and more, like if you're afraid of it, don't do it. But the more you do it and it works out great, and then when it doesn't, it's like, that's okay. You get more used to it, I don't know, you've gotta put yourself out there. You might get rejected. Yeah. But you won't die. At least not that I, I don't know anybody who's died from it. Line number seven. My job is to keep people happy and make sure they like me. Oh my gosh, you guys, I could have like highlighted this entire chapter, but somebody else wants to go first with something they found relatable.

Alexis 25:34

I found the entire chapter relatable. The whole job situation, like you bend over backwards, and then like life happens and you can't do that anymore and then all of a sudden you are the bad person because you're not, you know, bending over backwards and doing everything. But like life happened and there's circumstances that I just can't do those things. And it's hard because you either, I think. The thing that I liked the most, I think this was the chapter where she talked about, basically she went to the her counselor and the counselor's like, well, you know, it's not like there's a villain and a good person. There's, you know, like you both just are at different places and you are not working together anymore. So you have to part ways. And it's not necessarily that you did anything bad or they did anything bad. And I do think that there are times when, things happen there is somebody that may have wronged somebody, but that may not be the whole picture. And so to see that perspective as somebody that's dealt with their job and parting ways and losing their job because of some, health things and I could not just. Be there at your beck and call all the time, but that doesn't necessarily mean we're just at a different point and we can't come to terms, you're not a bad person and I'm not a bad person. I don't know, that really stuck with me and it felt better, it kind of felt a little bit of closure part of me losing, my job in that entire situation.

Kristen 27:02

I can see that.

Kelly 27:04

I did note, yes, I agreed with everything she said. But she did mention being willing to own your mistakes because sometimes it isn't just a matter of oh, well, they're upset. That's not my problem. Yes, there are situations where that's true and we're not responsible for the way people react to things or if they take something the wrong way. But I also don't want to lose sight of the fact that sometimes I am going to mess up. I'm gonna make mistakes. I'm gonna hurt people's feelings sometimes unintentionally, I hope. But just being able to sometimes take a step back and recognize that and then being willing to own it. There's a difference between breaking up with the idea of people pleasing versus just being unwilling to own our mistakes sometimes, if that makes sense.

Kristen 27:58

Totally.

Kelly 28:00

Yeah.

Kristen 28:01

A few of the things I highlighted, were things that I felt like I wrote myself. Like literally I felt like Jess reached out to my brain or my journal and was like, oh, what Kristen said, this looks good. I'll put it in my book. Be all things to all people literally feel that one. It's embarrassing to admit how much I struggle with other people's opinions of me. I know better. It's just a lot of work to do better it's only in the past few years where I've tried to let go of really worrying about what people think about me, I know it's better, but it's almost harder to do that because it's easier to put it on somebody else. Like, oh, they just don't like me, or Why don't they like me? Just get all in your head, which isn't healthy, but it's hard. It's harder. Hi, I'm Jess and I'm a people pleaser. I also dabble in codependency just for fun. I really want you to like me, and I really, really want you not to be mad at me. I also don't want you to feel anything icky, like, oh my gosh, you guys, and I feel like it's my responsibility, like if somebody's. Mad at me, or even if I think they're mad at me, I go through everything like, well, did I do this? What did I do that? I spend so much time trying to figure out what I did wrong to make somebody mad at me. When somebody isn't even mad at me, it's ridiculous. And as I'm saying this all out loud, there's so many things I need to work on. I do think I'm getting better though. And

Alexis 29:26

I can relate to that though, Kristen. Everything you said, I could relate to all of that.

Kristen 29:30

I really am working on it. Because I was even just telling somebody today, it's crazy. I feel like I just don't care about these things. Like I'm apathetic and not in a bad way. I feel like I finally gotten to a place where I am becoming more comfortable in my skin and not caring as much about what people think. And it's such a. Screening thing, like when I'm focusing just on me, and that sounds selfish, but when I'm focusing just on me and not how I think other people see me, I'm so much more relaxed. It's exhausting thinking about what people might be thinking about me even though they're not. But the last things in it were, she says, if you have to hide parts of yourself to keep the peace, if you have to minimize your needs to make things work. If you have to play a specific role to stay friends, while you might save the face of your friendship, it will be shallow if we don't authentically show up in our relationships. True belonging can't happen, and I think this is literally what I've been basing my most recent journey on, and even doing this podcast. This has been one of my. Core values is authenticity and belonging. And this is maybe the fifth time I've mentioned the Brene Brown clip where she talks about the difference of fitting in and belonging. 'cause I feel like that's become like my life's motto. But this really is it. If you have to change anything about who you are to fit in with the people you're around, that's not true Belonging. Belonging is when you show up, all of you, the good, the bad, the messy, every single part of you. And it all just works. That's where you belong, where you're really a part of it and you're not having to force anything. So for me, that was just like the huge, huge lines out of this chapter that's like, yes, that's what it is. I will be authentically me. The people who appreciate respect and accept the authentic version of me will be there and the ones that aren't aren't for me. And that's okay because not everybody is going to like me and I don't need everybody to like me. Mic drop applause. No thoughts on that, you guys.

Alexis 31:48

Any thoughts? I like that it, ties in with this highlight from this chapter. Anytime you're confused, it's because you're taking on someone else's feelings your feelings aren't confusing. When you're worried about, what other people might be thinking or their feelings, it can. Make you feel less confident you're in your head rather than relaxing and enjoying who you are because who you are isn't confusing. Trying to be what everybody else wants you to be is, you know, doesn't mean we shouldn't change and shouldn't grow, but trying to fit in to be somebody that you're not is confusing

Kristen 32:25

and doing it for other people. Like if you're gonna change, do it for yourself. Do it for the right reasons. Don't try to change because you think it's what somebody else wants you to be. And I swear for 40 years of my life, that's what I did. And I am tired of being all those other versions of Kristen for everybody else. Yeah. All right. Moving on from that passionate topic this is line number eight. Neighbors are weird. All right. Who wants to go first with something that stuck out to them from this chapter?

Kelly 33:01

I. Noted the part where she's talking about when she was hanging out with a group of kids, from her church and realized that those people only hung out with, other church kids. That stuck out to me because I too am a follower of Jesus, we're called to be a light to the world, and how can we do that if we're only ever surrounding ourselves with church people? I have made beautiful friendships with people who don't believe the same thing as me. I think that's a good thing. Like I think, hanging around people who, and, and not even just religious things. I have friends who have extremely different political views than me, but we've managed to work through it. Imagine that you can actually like someone who doesn't see politics the same way you do. It's a miracle. Being willing to branch out and. Put yourselves in different settings, different groups, is a really beautiful thing. I was loving all of the Gilmore Girl references in this chapter. I love how she was saying not everyone is going to be a main character in your story. That's okay, but that doesn't mean they're not important.

Kristen 34:30

Yes. When there were the Gilmore Girl references, I thought of you. I was like, Kelly's gonna love this.

Kelly 34:34

Oh, I loved it so much.

Alexis 34:36

There was a lot of good stories in this one. I think the one about the preacher being, you know, in the small town and he was in a situation, but because he had cared about the community. It wasn't necessarily about, his religion or his church. He just cared about the people in his community and he wanted to help them and be there for them and just get to know them. And it, helped him in a situation. So I really liked that. I thought, you know, I like my little bubble. I'm very much an introvert. Being around a lot of people is exhausting. It doesn't matter if I'm comfortable or not, it's just exhausting. So I don't always love to do all sorts of things, but it would be good for me to. Make friends in my community.

Kristen 35:23

I agree with you Alexis. She gave some good examples too, she talks about the connection. Connection and belonging can come from the places you least expect if you open your heart and pay attention. Our go-to move is choosing a coffee shop, preferably near my house where I can become a regular. Yes, I can make coffee at home, but I consider it a way to get out at least three times a week and connect with my community. We all know I love my iced coffee and my local coffee shop, shout out to the wandering bean. Love you guys. And I'm there, pretty regularly, five days a week. When you see those same people every day, they may not be your closest friends, but they can develop into that. I went to a surprise birthday party for one of them. I've been invited to a baby shower for one of them, they're the people I am building connections with. It all just came from showing up. It's also the place where I go to meet friends and spend time with friends I do live in a small town, so anytime I'm there, you know. Not every time, but anytime my husband and I go, he's always like, you always know so many people, like, you know, everybody in there. I don't know everybody. I just like to be connected and know people. There was a book I read last year and it was talking about, how to find friends you have three or four core locations where you work, where you live, and a third location you have a way to make connections at the main places in your life. I love that she brought that up.

Kelly 36:45

Yeah. And the story about her dad and that situation, with the rough men and everything. I also related that to when she talked about the kids from her church who would only hang out with kids that were just like them. I was like, what if her dad had that mindset? He would've never had that previous. Situation where he made an impact on that family. And so that night where those guys were going crazy outside of his house could have turned out so differently, but because he had put himself out there and shown love and concern for people who were not like him, it had a huge impact on that entire night and how it all played out. Yep.

Kristen 37:28

Because it's like she says, I'm telling you, getting involved and showing up. Matters. To be a part of stuff, you have to show up. And I love that because, just a chapter or two ago we're talking about rejection, and now here it's like you might get rejected, but you've gotta at least show up. You can't be involved unless you show up. People might not like you, but you still need to show up for that connection. So I love how all the chapters are kind of building on each other. Which leads us to our final chapter for this part, lie number nine. Asking for help is a terrible idea because then everyone is going to know I need help. I know the first line that I had highlighted was something I'd mentioned earlier too, which says I can't do it all this is too much, but if I don't do it myself, it won't be done right. I unfortunately have that mindset where if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself. At work especially, I've gotten better at delegating, but it is still hard sometimes because I just think that if I want it done my way, then I need to be the one that does it. Still working on it.

Kelly 38:39

The first thing that popped into my head with that line was loading the dishwasher. Because I feel like the way I do it just makes the most sense. And so when it's not done that way, I'm like, but we could have fit more in here. Or like, that's not gonna get cleaned well because of how that's in there. That was my first thought.

Kristen 38:59

So here's a fun,

Kelly 39:00

though.

Kristen 39:00

Here's a fun story, listeners, if you don't know. Kelly married my brother, she and my brother are very happy together. But the reason I bring this up is because I also, according to my husband, am a terrible dishwasher loader, and he will actively come back and. Unload what I put in so that he can reload it in his crazy Tetris way so that he can fit the stuff that I left in the sink into the dishwasher. But the reason I bring up that Kelly is married to my brother, because I don't know if he has told you this, we really didn't have a dishwasher growing up. Like we clean off the table and then I would do the dishes or my mom would do the dishes. Like we didn't have a dishwasher. It was like from 1960, whatever. It worked sporadically, but so I'm wondering if maybe my brother and I aren't the problem. We just were never taught how to do it properly,

Kelly 39:51

I was gonna say, so what I'm hearing is it runs in the family that you guys don't know how to load a dishwasher also I mean's genetic.

Kristen 39:57

It's genetic in nature. Nurture, I don't know, but we have that in common.

Kelly 40:03

Yeah. I mean, we had a dishwasher in the house I lived in until I was 10, but we didn't use it as a dishwasher. We just did them by hand and that dishwasher was extra. Pantry space. So there's a fun fact.

Kristen 40:17

Oh, it's airtight. Actually.

Kelly 40:20

I guess we didn't have a big pantry, so I

Kristen 40:23

love that. Alexis, anything from this chapter that stood out

Alexis 40:28

I have five kids and homeschooling and my husband being gone all the time. I had to let go of some of that. I had twins number four and five, and towards the end of my pregnancy, I couldn't even lock up the stairs. I was just so big. And then I had a C-section with them and was dealing with an infection afterwards, so I had to let go and let my kids do a lot more than they probably should have at that age. But that's just where we were. And then now they do chores, because I think it's good for them. I have had to let go because if I did. I would constantly be complaining to them like, you didn't do this right. And that's not helpful for their self-esteem or for them to learn. Obviously I can come alongside if it's something really big and say, Hey, let's do it this way, this time, but I kind of had to let go of that, so I can relate to that. I still feel that way about certain things, like cooking, I should teach my kids to cook more, but I will just be faster and can get it done. Better if I do it, so I can relate to some of that too.

Kelly 41:37

Yeah. I feel that I am trying to teach my son that. It's good for him to learn to help around the house and do things, but I really struggle to have the patience to let him do the things.

Kristen 41:48

It used to be that way, decorating the Christmas tree when my son was younger. He wants to put ornaments on the tree and oh, he would be terrible. Like, here's 16 ornaments in the one spot. He decided to put them. And then I'm like, trying to discreetly move them, oh, why don't we put that one over here? Wouldn't it be better over here? It is, but at the same time it's like he's making memories and it's that balance of giving them. What they need and still developing them. What I noticed too was she talked about how asking for help feels vulnerable and can be scary. Even if people ask if they can help you, she doesn't want people to be inconvenienced and that leaves her scared, and it's true. Like it's one thing to ask for help, but if somebody else asks if you need help, that's almost worse. 'cause then it's like, does it look like I need help? Do people think I'm failing? What is happening right now? It's just, it's so hard, one of the final things I'd highlighted was, if we don't ask for help, something will snap eventually, whether it's our mental health or our physical health. And that's the story I shared earlier too. You let it all bottle up and then you just crack and then you're not good for anybody. It's probably easier to ask for help, but at the same time in the moment, it's so hard to do it.

Alexis 42:59

Yeah. I like to help. So I take on too much. Because that's just my personality, then I realized, I'm helping everybody else, but now I need help. And you don't wanna ask because you've been helping everybody else. So you know that they're busy and it's a bad cycle. Agreed.

Kelly 43:19

I feel like I have gotten better and I do okay with accepting help, from certain people. Like if my mom wants to come visit and help me clean out my basement, of course I'm gonna let her do that. But this random person that I just recently met at church, wants to offer to help with something that feels harder. She talked about not denying people the opportunity to be a blessing to us especially if they're offering to help. Denying them that blessing you know, God might have placed it on their heart to help you in some way. And when we deny them that, because we just think Nope, I'm good. I can do everything myself. I don't think that's a good thing. I also noted I want to not only be willing to ask for help, but to be a helper and even in little ways, looking for ways that I can be a blessing to other people.

Kristen 44:13

Yeah, I love that. And it's kinda like what we talked about last week too, about seeing other people also, right? Like, you know, I think it was chapter about, being visible, but you know, validating other people and seeing them and complimenting them. And I think it's kind of that same thing, Kelly just, allowing the opportunity to help us and look where we can be a help also. So I love that. Any final thoughts or anything you wanted to bring up again about, any of these lies before we wrap up? All right, we are going into the final stretch of the book. For next week we'll be going over part three, which is the lies that keep us from dreaming big and living a full life, or how to try things without fear of failure. I am looking forward to those because. Failure is something, I am, I don't wanna say I'm afraid, but there is this quote that I often say, there's this line in an Eminem song, Lose Yourself and the line says, success is my only mother effing option. Failure is not. I've made that my life's motto, not because of the profanity in it, but because that's how I've treated my life. Like success is my only option. I cannot fail. I will not fail. I am not a failure. Failing doesn't make me a failure, but you know, mental stuff. Fear of failure is something I need to read about. I'm sure next week's conversation we will have lots to share. Let me share the chapters we're gonna be going over for that though. In part three we will be going over lies 10 through 14. Lie number 10, I'm a junior varsity adult and the best spot for me is usually the bench lie number 11. It's better not to try than to mess up in front of everyone. Yeah, that's gonna be my chapter, you guys, line number 12. I can't do that because no one does that. Line number 13, if I can't go big, I should just go home and line number 14. It's better to dream small because then I won't be disappointed. It's another one that's probably gonna be big. Any of those stand out to either of you that you're really looking forward to reading this week?

Kelly 46:32

I. Started listening ahead a little bit, and I already got through line number 10 and I resonated with it so much. So

Kristen 46:43

What about you, Alexis? Anything that you're super excited about reading?

Alexis 46:48

Probably line number 13, if I can't go big, should just go home. Honestly, that's how I am with a lot of stuff. If I can't do it right. Perfect. Just forget it. I'm not doing it. Yeah.

Kristen 46:59

Alright guys, this has been wonderful. I think this section of the book may have even been better than last week, but they're all just so good and we're learning so much and I appreciate you being here. Listeners, as a reminder, you can share your thoughts on the chapters with us. We would love to hear from you. You can reach out to me on Instagram Facebook or email. You can send voice memos or go to the Google Link in the Google form in my bio and fill in information. Share which chapters you're talking about, comments you want us to know, and if you want us to share it on the pod or not. So, all right guys, well, we'll do this again next week when we discuss part three. Talk to you then. Bye.