Kristen: 0:36

Hey everybody. Welcome back. It is week two of our virtual book club and I have Kelly and Alexis back. Hey Kelly. Hey guys. Hey Alexis. Hi everybody. Today we're gonna be discussing part one of the book, perfect Is Boring and Tastes Like Kale by Jess Johnson. If you aren't caught up listen to the first episode. We talk about what the book is about, some first impressions, a little bit of overview, and some really funny comments. So you don't wanna miss that episode. If you are caught up on part one, which is lies one through five, join us now and we're just gonna talk about the book and what we thought about it. Answer some questions. And if you didn't read the book, you are still welcome here'cause I think there's gonna be a lot of great truth to apply to your life. So we will jump right in. we talked last week about expectations of the book, what we thought it was gonna be about. did it meet your expectations? Was it different? What were your first thoughts as we delved into the material? Alexis, do you wanna go first?

Alexis: 1:44

Yeah, I have loved the first five, lives. I've laughed out loud and giggled so much that it was worth it just for that because if a book can make me laugh, I'm sold for good, I'm there. Mm-hmm. So, There was, I, I really enjoyed that aspect of it, but there's so many good nuggets of information that got me thinking and validating things I've already thought. it's almost like it's okay to think that, and there's nothing wrong with me. I really enjoyed that aspect

Kristen: 2:20

That's awesome. I remember last week when we talked, you were nervous about the book'cause you're like, I don't really do self-help books. I don't know what they're gonna tell me. So are you feeling differently now?

Alexis: 2:32

Yes. it's definitely not what I was concerned with. I don't see that at all. I'm really enjoying it. That's awesome.

Kristen: 2:38

Kelly, over to you. First impressions or thoughts or like any huge things that stood out to you from different that you might have been thinking last week?

Kelly: 2:49

So, yeah, I was not expecting to laugh out loud either. I definitely had some moments. I think we said last week, I'm listening on Audible, and is just the one reading it,

Kristen: 3:00

is the author the narrator? Yes.

Kelly: 3:01

Yes, she is. So that's fun. I was listening to it today while working and I was having a good time laughing but then I also found myself. several times being like, Hmm, yeah, like, that hits home. That's me. I relate. and there were just a lot of things she said that had me like thinking wow. Like why, why am I so hard on myself in that way? Or why do we so easily jump to thinking those things about ourselves? So it was good.

Kristen: 3:33

I agree with both of you. I'm not doing the audio version, but I. Feel her reading it to me I feel like I'm having a conversation with a friend. she's sharing her stories and talking with me, and I feel like she gets me. I think, Alexis, you said, I feel like I'm not the only one. other people feel that way too? I'm not just crazy or some weirdo. So it's kind of that validation of it's okay to have those insecurities and believe the lies. I mean, I shouldn't be believing the lies because they're lies. But to realize that I'm not the only one that has those struggles. So for anyone who doesn't have the book handy, I'm gonna go over what the first five lies were that we read, then, ask questions part one, these are lies that keep us from loving ourselves as we are or becoming an imper perfectionist. So line number one is today I'll be perfect. Line number two, I have to keep up with the Kardashians and also my neighbor, Tammy, line number three, they forgot my name again, and I think I might actually be invisible. Lie number four, I'm going to need to shrink, suck it all in, quiet down, and possibly disappear lie. Number five, pretending to be fine is the same thing as being fine. which one of those lies felt most familiar to each of you?

Alexis: 5:01

line number one today, I'll be perfect. Felt familiar. maybe line number four, I'm gonna need to shrink, suck it in. really relate to that one too. both hit home.

Kelly: 5:12

Yeah. lie number one, I took a lot of notes on that one really set in with me also lie number two, the comparison game basically, was what that was about. And, I think that's really easy to fall into especially with today's world and social media.

Kristen: 5:29

Yeah. similar to both of you. Number one was my big one. I think that's where I had the most highlights in notes, although I have through all of them. number five hit me pretending to be fine is the same as being fine. just last week, I'd written a monthly note to my organization Boost their morale fill them in on things. but I had actually said, you know, I'd start it by saying, how are you doing? You know, how are you really doing? so many times we go around and people say, oh, how are you? And we say, I'm fine. it's just a natural response. but maybe more often than not, we're not really fine. I don't know if anyone's seen the movie, the Italian job, but they talk about, fine stands for freaked out, insecure, neurotic, and Emotional. in the email I comment about that and I was like, unless we're talking about this way and fine, in which case I am often freaked out insecure, neurotic and emotional. so those are the ones that kind of stuck out to me. the most outta the ones we read this time. so the next question is, How do women, especially those juggling careers and expectations, internalize these lies?

Kelly: 6:36

for me, life has felt like so much, especially these last few months. I'm not gonna lie, I've been on the struggle bus, in a lot of areas. And I think when we are juggling all the things and we're very busy, it's easy to get caught up and feel alone the day-to-day lies we tell ourselves when busy It's easy to fall into. Like I'm the only one. Yes.

Kristen: 7:07

it becomes a recurring statement. when we start saying to ourselves, I'm not enough, it's not going to get better. You know, all that negativity when we don't have different outlets or we already do feel disconnected from others, that's kind of all we hear. It becomes even more reinforced because it's the only thing going on over and over

Alexis: 7:28

I think there's a reason, women stayed home for so long obviously there says no judgment on any woman that works out of the home. Mm-hmm. Because I have been that person. But I think there is a reason why for years women stayed home with kids and didn't work outside the home. Because as we all know, when you begin working outside of the home, plus you have kids. And in my instance, and Kelly, like if you're homeschooling on top of that, it's like three jobs in one. it can be incredibly lonely and exhausting to the point that you can't even, have any self-reflection because you have to get the next thing done. And that can really mess with Creating a lot of the lies and problems we see especially with social media, you see everybody online. think they have it all together, they're working, doing this, and that when really they're not. as I was reading and thinking about it, before I lost my job I was struggling for a year hanging on by a thread my husband's like, you are so stressed. I'm barely hanging on I have so much work Home is insane. Forget everything else. Like I don't have time to think about this and try to fix anything because I just have to get the next thing done. Something I think women that work outside the home, even if you work inside the home, we all know that that internet itself be really lonely too. you struggle with those things.

Kristen: 8:58

Yeah. you're right social media makes it worse. I can't remember which chapter it was that Jess started. It may have been the one about keeping up with Kardashians. my neighbor Tammy, she wakes up gets on her phone sees what everybody's doing and her husband's like, Hey, are you getting up? that happens to me'cause my alarm goes off. I'm not ready to get up yet. Let me check my email, Facebook, Instagram. And when I'm starting my day like that, it's already setting me up in that mindset of like seeing whether people are doing and doing the comparison and it's not healthy. And I need to get away from that where either I just get up. Or, or I don't. But like you, you can't do that. And I think, other things you've said too about whether you are working in the home or working out of the home or not working, there's still so much that goes on that women are responsible for. And one of the other chapters I think talked about women being the chief worry officer fixing everything. And yes, there's so many times we can't fix anything or we're so burned out and just mentally exhausted just trying to survive and get through the day. There's nothing we can do. And Kelly, I think you mentioned about being disconnected or, that feeling. Do either of you, I. Have suggestions of how you can kind of get outta that head space when you're like that. how can you get yourself to a place where you feel more connected to others where you can move on from the stress and burnout feelings?

Kelly: 10:29

for me, it's been a matter of actual connection not just faking connection Through social media. we bash social media all the time. it has its place. like you said, she woke up and she's scrolling her phone, some months ago, I took my social media apps off my phone because I was starting my day that way. I am not a morning person, so I'm not the person whose alarm goes off and I just jump right up

Kristen: 11:01

and

Kelly: 11:01

I have three alarms and snooze

Kristen: 11:03

all of them. after 47 minutes, I am ready to,

Kelly: 11:07

I need to lay there and come to I would immediately reach for my phone and start doom scrolling. we have that false sense of connection through social media but I was finding that was just creating so much noise in my brain, that it wasn't leaving. Headspace for me to reach out and talk to a friend and have a real one-on-one conversation because I had all this other noise in my head. so I removed my social media apps, removing so much of that scroll time is helpful I made a note when she talked about that part where her husband comes out and is like, are you gonna get up? And she's like, I don't have time for this. And he's like, what are you talking about? and I just made a note that like my husband, you know, like he's on social media only on Facebook. he'll scroll but I don't think it has the same impact on him and other men, I just don't think he falls into that comparison game. As hard as we women tend to do when we're scrolling those apps and seeing all these things. so that's one thing for me has been trying to cut down social media time, to remove some of that noise in my head. and making more time and being more intentional with having real conversations with my friends, whether that's through text or voice memos'cause we don't necessarily have time to be on the phone chatting we'll send voice memos back and forth, and have meaningful conversations I can send a voice memo and be like, I am struggling today. getting that out versus internalizing it.'cause I was doing that for a while and it's not healthy.

Kristen: 12:52

one of the later chapters talks about, sucking it in and shrinking are there any moments from your past where you now realize you were shrinking to fit in?

Alexis: 13:01

Yeah, I think there's been a couple times in my past, in certain work situations I just have not said what I felt was right because you don't wanna upset the boss and lose your job. But I do think it would've been better had I spoken up and said it in a tactful respectful manner. I think for me, those were the points I thought about and noticed.

Kristen: 13:26

Kelly, any time you can think of?

Kelly: 13:29

I don't know if it's really me shrinking myself, so much as like me just trying to fit in. Mm-hmm. Like, I don't wanna stand out too much. I am not someone who keeps up with trendy clothes. I just wanna be comfortable. and so there have been times where like, I'll go to something or I'm like hanging out with a group of people and they're very into trends, I feel good about myself when I'm getting dressed and leaving the house, but then I like get to where I'm going and I look around and I'm like, oh, I could never pull that off. I could not wear that. I'm comparing myself and hoping nobody's paying attention to what I'm wearing. I don't feel like I look nearly as cute as these other people, even though I would never wear what they're wearing. and so just situations like that where I like, I feel like I don't belong, I don't fit in I'm silently hoping no one's actually paying attention to me.

Kristen: 14:31

Well, and it's funny'cause I think that's probably an actually really common feeling because you know, we're told, from a young age, be an individual. express yourself, but then fit this mold and belong and fit in with everybody else. And they're mixed messaging of what are you really supposed to do? Is it okay to stand out? But then if you stand out, you're kind of looked down upon, like you need to make yourself fit into it. it's funny how Kelly, you mentioned clothes and Alexis, you mentioned work.'cause when I was trying to think of a situation, one kind of came to mind that kind of covers both I'm really a girly girl. I like skirts, wear sparkle shoes love glitter and hot pinks even in my forties, I'm really a girly girl. early in my career, and actually multiple times through I've, I had a friend who tell me, you're probably gonna have to change yourself. people aren't gonna take you seriously if that's how you are at work. it hurt me. we've been told to express ourselves be who you are do what you want. it bothered me, why should I change who I am to be accepted early in my career, I went to a course about, women in the workplace or being a woman. I, I don't remember, but I, I remember what I was wearing though. I thought my outfit was so cute. I had on this little gray skirt and it was probably knee length, maybe right above my knee. I had on this purple sweater that had like an argyle print right across the chest. And then I had these, knee socks that. Had like a little argyle pattern around the top that like matched the sweater and these little black, like Mary Jane shoes. I thought I was adorable. this was the early to mid two thousands. Like it may not have been super on trend, but like preppy was still really in then. So it, it was, and I was 22, 23 at the time. So really it worked for what I was, so I'm in this course and I remember the Q Mind, the outfit didn't really have a lot to do with what I'm about to tell you, but it's good to set the stage. after the course I had, I had stayed back to talk to the teacher.'cause I was really interested, you know, like how can I be taken more professional in the workplace? And I meant it as I'm 23, 22, whatever, I'm around all these older people, like how can I be taken seriously? And she told me to consider changing my voice and what I wear. I was. Heartbroken. my response to her was, well, I was a communication major. I actually had a course in voice in articulation, so this is my voice. but anyway, I was, I was so heartbroken by that because I just felt like that's the advice you're giving someone. new to the working world right out of school. And you're basically saying, change everything about you. Change how you talk, look, what you're wearing, like you're never gonna make it. by the way, lady who taught that class, I'm, doing quite well for myself and still wearing skirts talking the way I do, so thank you. while I'm more comfortable with who I am, in that sense, that was really hard for me because I was like, well, how am I supposed to fit in? So, a long rambling story to say that I have felt like I've had to shrink myself because of comments by other people. But I have chosen to ignore those comments and still be me for the most part. Good for you.

Alexis: 17:43

Thanks. that's really good. Also, Kristen, can we talk about the girl after my own heart? the knee socks, Mary Janes Theile sweater. if I could get away with it which I probably could if I really wanted to, but let's be real. I'm not gonna do that and draw those kind of attention. I would still wear that.

Kristen: 18:00

Oh, a hundred percent. I have more sweaters like that now. I have dropped the knee socks.'cause I feel like that's kind of. School girl only fans kind of stuff. Yeah. That I'm not, yeah, not ready for time gets tough. I'm not saying I'm above that, but

Alexis: 18:20

you just feel like that, which is why I don't necessarily like Right. Would go for that, but the skirt and the sweater, absolutely.

Kristen: 18:28

A hundred percent. Always a good look. I feel like it's very classic So that's kind of high level stuff, but now I wanna get into the deep stuff. we all took notes, got little highlights. Can we go through each chapter and share, one or two, things that stood out or specific things you read earlier this week when you were reading it that you're like, Hey, it's been several days since I read it and this is still standing out to me. So, line number one, as we mentioned earlier, is titled Today. I'll Be Perfect. in this chapter, what stood out to you that you'd wanna share?

Alexis: 19:04

This one's ridiculous, but I related to it face turns bright red. After any physical exertion, you might think she needs a hospital. She does not. It's just her face. So I, this is like something I have always had and everybody's like, it's ro rosacea. I'm like, I don't think it's rosacea since I've had it since I was little. I remember being pregnant with my twins and had to go to the hospital to be checked on for preeclampsia. And the nurse specifically was like, well, your blood pressure's great. Your heart rate's fine, but your cheeks are really red. And so ever since then, I've always known my cheeks are red. I still think about that The past 10 years, I'm like, what makeup can I cover it up with? finally, in the past, six months, I just said, I'm done trying to cover it up. I'm not gonna do it anymore. I just don't care. This is who I am. But it has stuck with me. people don't have red cheeks like I have. we could say it's natural blush, but let's be real. It's beyond that. it stuck with me and I can relate to a lot of that.

Kristen: 20:08

I thought you guys would laugh if I said that was the line I'd highlighted my face says that. But also my arms, especially my upper arms are. Almost always red. And I cannot tell you how many times people are like, oh, looks like you got some sun. I'm like, no, this is just my skin. if I'm too hot, cold or stressed, my arms neck and chest get red it's just me. I'm very self-conscious of it. So I highlighted that part.

Alexis: 20:34

can be self-conscious together because if I'm stressed it's like blushing, but it doesn't go away for a while. And you're like, okay, I need it to go away. Yes.

Kelly: 20:44

when she, in line number one, she was saying like, I. We will have these moments during the day where we're thinking if only I were fill in the blank. Mm-hmm. And then on the flip side, she's like saying the opposite. Like, oh, but then that person, if only I were this. And it just reminded me that like so often we think if this or that was different, that we would be better. but in reality, the people who are those things that we're probably like wishing like if only this, the people who are those things are probably having similar thoughts, but like vice versa, like the opposite. just as an example, the curly haired girl wants straight hair and the straight haired girl wants curly hair. each one thinks if only I had the opposite, things would be easier my hair would look better. it's easy to think the grass is greener on the other side we think that's what we need to be more content, but we have to learn to be content with where we are Like Alexis with her skin, she has come to just accept that and be content with that and not feeling the need to change it and cover it up with makeup and, you know, and, and it's not to say we should settle in areas where we could be doing better. if you're struggling with, laziness that's not to say we should just well I'm a lazy person. It is what it is. No, but the things that are truly part of who we are that we can't change. We've gotta learn to be more content with that.

Kristen: 22:19

Yeah. if you have straight hair, you're always going to have straight hair. you can permit, curlers, whatever. But you're right when you focusing on things that you can change vice things that you can't. And I love the part two.'cause Yeah, she talks about, you know, everyone has, on the surface level, our hair's too flat, too curly, stringy. hips too wide, womanly, narrow, boyish. everybody wants what somebody else has because that's what we're looking at. And she, I think this is a chapter, she introduces her friendship with her friend Aubrey. And she said, with Aubrey, I felt at ease in my own skin and I began opening up about my struggles. do you have a friend like that? while we're trying to impress people even strangers and fit in Do you have close friends where you can be yourself and you don't feel like you're being judged? And it's okay to have your flaws and not be perfect. Do you have those friends?

Alexis: 23:11

Kristen, you are my friend I can be who I want and whatever, and do that. And obviously, you know, we live far away. Mm-hmm. But I can just be, and I don't feel like I have to shield some of me away. Does that make sense? Yeah. you probably are that friend at this point. I do have one other friend I'm that way with. but it's a bit different with her. Anybody close that I See face to face. I don't, which is kind of sad actually.

Kristen: 23:43

Yeah, and I feel that way with you too because there is the distance between us we don't have to put up airs and show we're something we're not. because of the time we've known each other, it's like this is what it is. you know me enough that I don't have to hide who I am and you know, enough of my history that it's not like I'm trying to pretend I'm something I'm not. And I think for me it does take time because even in friendships that I may consider close friendships, I think I'm still guarded a little ways that I'm not ready for them to fully see who I am I still feel I have to impress them or I care more about other people. I'm focused on how they're doing and what's going on with their lives and less about being able to open up about myself.

Alexis: 24:28

Yeah, makes sense. I also wonder if it's because we live together. we didn't live in the exact same room, but we we're around each other's habits, so we knew that from college. I wonder if that has anything to play into it

Kristen: 24:39

Kelly, Do you have those people in your life?

Kelly: 24:42

I didn't always, but over the last four years I've found my people it is wonderful I have, a good bit of friends that like I, well there's acquaintances and there's friends and I'm still like sometimes having to remind myself of that difference. I have. a couple of friends, some far away, and some here. I have nothing to try to impress'em with. I have a friend here who had a baby in March she was going crazy one week, needed to get out she's on maternity leave. I just need a change of scenery. I'm working, but you are welcome to come over sit on my couch and look out my window I can chat with you while I'm on my laptop. my house is kind of a mess. what you see is what you get she came over, I was in bright pink sweatpants, a sweatshirt that did not match hair all over the place. I don't even know if I had brushed it zits all over my face because I've been having a real time with stress lately and I'm breaking out. And I was just like, Hey, come on in. I didn't feel worried about that or like, Ugh, I'm a mess. I can't believe I'm letting her see me like this. we're just on that level and it was fine. it is really great if you, even just have one of those people in your life.

Kristen: 26:08

Yeah. the thing she said that I wanted to bring up before we move on she said, connection is found in our real, not our perfect. We're not going to feel belonging if we don't show up as who we are. she also said you're caring too much, give yourself permission just be you that was really poignant.

Alexis: 26:29

I love that. There's a lady that I follow that she really says like, you know, we have to give up this idea that your house has to be clean and you have to be put together. you want people with you in the trenches where you can say, can you come over and help me, clean my house. I could never do that. it would be mortifying. But if you can find that friend to help you you know, He's made the best friend because you can be who you are and you can allow even your messy house and you are crazy. And like you said, Kelly, just, you know, not having brushed your hair or maybe in my case some days, maybe not even gotten dressed and until, you know, 11 o'clock. And I just think that connection is, it's, it is really important. So when you can find it, it is worth it.

Kelly: 27:21

Yeah, for sure. one more thing I noted, when she introduced Aubrey was the idea of when Aubrey says like, how are you doing? And she's like, just realizing she doesn't always have to say I'm good. everything's great. we don't necessarily have to spill all the nitty gritty but we also don't always have to say I'm good. Things are good. Yes. because like, if we are willing to just be real and honest, that opens the door for the other person maybe they're struggling with something, but when we do this surface level Hey, how are you? I'm really good. it makes them feel they have to fake a smile and not make you uncomfortable with their answer to that question if they're feeling like they wanna be honest. So if we go first and we open that door, it's gonna make it easier for other people when they may need to really kind of just spill things.

Kristen: 28:17

we need to make that the new normal. it's okay to not say, I'm fine, I'm good, I'm wonderful. Like it's okay to be like, Hey, today's not a great day. Not doing great. Thank you for asking. you could go into more depending on the friendship, but no obligation to share beyond that. We get used to being honest by answering that question. society would do better if we were more honest about how we're doing. We wouldn't feel like everybody else is perfect. And we are the mess ups here, right? we'd be like, oh, you're having a bad day too. let's talk about our bad days. And bond over that and be vulnerable with people.

Alexis: 28:53

I do think it's really good, but be prepared for people to look at you like you have four eyes. it might have been a woman's like, Thing that we did, and we were talking about something basically like being honest. When somebody asks you like, how's your day? Or how are you doing? Just to say, I'm good. When really you're not, you're not being honest. You're not being honest with them. You're not being honest with yourself. last year a friend asked me how they were doing and I just said, I'm not really that great, but it's okay. I'm getting through it and it was not what they were looking for. almost like I had four eyes and went off the script,

Kristen: 29:28

you didn't follow the pre-planned conversation you were supposed to have.

Alexis: 29:35

just keep in mind it may not go how you think but there's nothing wrong with continuing doing it even when people look at you crazily. It's crazily even a word. I dunno. Yeah,

Kristen: 29:46

totally. It's the adverb form of crazy. The act of being crazy crazily. Love it. All right, line number two is I have to keep up with the Kardashians and also my neighbor, Tammy, things that stood out from this chapter or items to discuss.

Alexis: 30:07

It didn't have a lot from this chapter, so I might have something when you guys have yours,

Kristen: 30:13

one of the things I'd highlighted was, she's talking about, she's in the grocery store and she said, the music takes over my body and I'm in aisle nine, reliving my clubbing days, and my kids are screaming to stop. I have no desire to stop grocery store dancing. Sorry, kids. I highlighted that because last week we talked about dancing in the store. sometimes Walmart radio has my jams and I find myself moving to the music.

Kelly: 30:33

Yeah, that part made me laugh. but for that chapter, just what I jotted down was the part about social media I think so much of the comparison game we play today comes from, all those things we see there, I've had friends talk about it and seen people on social media. it's just if you have like certain accounts where you're, especially finding yourself falling into that comparison game, like whether it's someone you follow who's, you know, got a really awesome house or anything that's triggering, just pages that cause you to fall into that comparison game it's okay to unfollow those pages. even if Absolutely. Someone you know, on Facebook, you can unfollow their stuff so it doesn't show up in your newsfeed. On Instagram, you can mute them so their stuff is not in your feed. a little trick for you.

Alexis: 31:28

That is a good one. You can do that for politics too. I just had to say that With politics, I don't wanna ruin a friendship, I love that. If you have that permission, I'm probably the opposite in that there are certain things that I want to, but like even just, shopping I don't like to shop. I don't love, like I look at people's houses and think, oh, that'd be nice. But I realized a long time ago, that's not my reality, and I'm okay with that. we chose to have a big family and for me, to stay home. traveling and having a nice, house. I'm happy for you, but that's not my, lane that's why maybe this chapter didn't really hit me as much. it made me more of what my body looks like and like how I present myself

Kristen: 32:21

towards the end of the chapter she says, don't buy into the lie that you have to keep up or blend in your lane is the perfect path for you. Don't look around, you don't worry if you're moving slow while everyone else is moving fast. Don't stress that no one else seems to struggle with that. One thing you struggle with. made me think of a race analogy. we all have our own lanes. going at our own pace, it's not about who gets to the end first. It's about finishing your race. that's hard because you see other people whether it's, they got married first, or they have kids first, or they have this great career and I'm just in this entry level job. Like when we look at what other people have, we think that we are not doing it right. Everybody's path is different and it's important to focus on you and appreciate what you have. I think one of the other things she said, it was, you know, matter how impressive the real or the pictures or their vacation or what other people are doing on social media. She wouldn't trade it for what she has in her life, as unglamorous as it may be. And it's true, like I may not be, climbing Everest or spending every weekend at the beach, but being at home with my husband and my son watching the NBA playoffs games, like that's where I wanna be. That's my happy place. And it may not be for everybody, but it's my life and it's good for me.

Kelly: 33:41

Yeah. I've been struggling the last few months. finding contentment in my lane. Not even social media aside because really it hasn't had anything to do with that kind of comparison. But just, like the fact that I do work a full-time job and I'm also homeschooling that like makes our homeschooling journey look a lot different than like a lot of my friends who homeschool. they don't work. so they have time freedom to just like, oh, we're gonna go here this day and we're gonna go do this or whatever. they have extra time to throw in, various activities mixed into their curriculum our homeschooling journey doesn't look like that, academically, he's thriving, but I don't always have the time to be like, oh yeah, we're gonna go to this outing with this group, or this or that. I can't always be, I have a flexible work schedule, but I'm not always available to do all those extra things. And so I found myself questioning am I, am I hurting him by having him home? And my husband's like, he's not hurting, like he's thriving. He's a year ahead in math. he's doing great. Our situation just looks different than the other people around us, and I'm really struggling to be like, that's okay. Like our journey looks different, but that's okay. I laughed out loud when she talked about the homeschooling thing, because I am never going to be the homeschooling mom who is doing like bread dough letters and tree branches. like we're not doing that because I probably have a meeting to clock in for soon. So we're not getting the dough out. but yeah, so just in full transparency, that part stuck out to me a lot because that's something that I have been walking through and struggling with comparing our journey to others and just trying to find contentment. I even went through a point where I was like maybe I should just send him to school. But ultimately I know this is just the season that God has us in and it's okay. It's okay that it looks different.

Kristen: 35:58

I think just talking about it is helpful too because it's one thing to tell yourself it's okay, this is our journey. But being able to say it out loud and how you were kind of just vulnerable there saying that even you're struggling with it and it's something that you're working on. I think that has healing properties too, that because Alexis and I can, reaffirm that for you, like, yeah, Kelly, you're doing fine. You're making the choice that's right for your son and your family and it doesn't have to look like everybody else's because his memories are gonna be with the time you did spend with him and what you guys did do together. And that's more time than he's gonna get than if he was away at school. what you're doing is perfect for your family

Alexis: 36:38

I'm Kelly. as somebody that has always homeschooled my kids. My oldest is now a sophomore. for a long time, I didn't work. I had my own business, but didn't work during school days. We never did activities. There was no way I was doing the salt dose stuff. I am a get our bookwork done, enjoy the rest of the day doing whatever you wanna do and what I wanna do, that sounds selfish, but I am not that person. I have never been that person. I have to talk myself into looking at the activities in our homeschool group each month and literally talk myself into going because I don't love, Dynamic, it's getting kids out the door. if I had to send my kids to school every morning, we would not make it just know you are not alone I can relate 100% while you are working and it being even worse. whatever you see on YouTube or in other people, it's okay. There are plenty like you working in my former job, I spent five years on the phone helping homeschool families with curriculum and stuff and the amount of women that are working and even men and homeschooling their kids. Significant, especially since Covid and they all struggle with the same thing. I actually heard this come up a lot, so you are not alone It's okay. thank you for

Kristen: 37:57

So moving on to line three. They forgot my name again I think I might be invisible. Thoughts or quotes that stood out

Alexis: 38:08

at the very end she says, be the kind of woman who sees other women. be the kind of person who sees other people, because I don't think there's a single other thing that will make you feel less insignificant. I really, just loved that and basically taking more time to. See other people and compliment them and make them feel included. I struggle with that because I'm trying to shrink a little when I'm out. But if you take time to see other people and acknowledge them, it's helpful for you and them. it can build friendships or just make somebody feel good that day, I really like that.

Kristen: 38:47

Yeah. I love that. I try to share stuff like that on my Instagram too when I see other people posting things. you've seen things like, women need to build other women up. look for the woman who's gonna talk about you in a room when you're not there. in a good way, I think it's so important, there's mean girl mentality everywhere. Still. That's a whole episode in itself. But having women, supporting other women and even other people. the quote before the one you read Alexis, was she said, rather than waiting to be seen, we can make sure we see the people around us, giving them an invitation to engage. I see you. I remember you, you are not invisible like you said, it's important not necessarily about us being seen or in the spotlight. It's, it's so much more about lifting up others and seeing them and acknowledging where they are and bringing them to the table and uplifting them. you get so much more when giving to others that was my key takeaway from this chapter. moving on to line four. Line four says, I'm going to need to shrink, suck it all in, quiet down, and possibly disappear. Oh,

Alexis: 39:54

this one, is relevant to the live, but the snowboarding story had me. I almost spit out my coffee reading that because it was hilarious I'm cringing because I know when she starts this out that she either A, has never snowboarded and she's just saying this to get this guy, or B, she's just really terrible at it, but she really likes the sky. And I just, I'm sorry, but I, I had laughed so much so that that right there was just, it was the best part. For me,

Kelly: 40:31

I don't remember. I'm not a good note taker. I feel this quote was from this chapter. she said, I don't care how old I get or how healthy I am, there are still rooms I walk into that bring me right back to that acute feeling of I don't belong here. Followed by a wave of shame as I complete the sentence, I don't belong here because I am not blank enough. that resonated with me so much.

Kristen: 41:03

Yes. I can feel as confident as I want, amped up to go somewhere or an event But then when I get there, it's like I am that scared little girl again why am I here? Nobody's gonna like me. What am I doing? This is a mistake. I just feel like I'm not enough

Kelly: 41:21

Yeah. that imposter syndrome kicks in.

Kristen: 41:24

One of the things I took from this is he says, don't be extra, or You're going to make everyone uncomfortable. Be happy, but don't freak out. Be friendly, but not so outgoing. It's weird. Be sad if you must, but don't let anyone see you cry because you're not a cute crier and all. That's not as gross. Anger is a no, for sure. No one wants to see that. Be confident, but don't do anything you're not already sure you're good at. Because what if you look dumb and for the love, don't ever stand out even for good things, because people might talk about you. I'm like, that's everything I feel in a nutshell. But it's just, I feel all those things like be this, but not too much do this, but not too much. you guys ever feel that? I feel like

Kelly: 42:02

that happens to me all the time where I'm having a conversation with someone, but I can tell their attention's starting to wander and I don't know how to end it. so it's like you just grin a little and like, do I walk away now? I don't know what to do that happens to me all the time. Mm-hmm.

Alexis: 42:19

I can relate

Kristen: 42:20

Yeah, that one's hard. All right, we've made it to line number five. line number five is pretending to be fine is the same thing as being fine. we talked about this earlier, but she said I learned to undermine my own struggle. I learned to grin and bear it. I learned that no one wanted to hear me whine or complain. I feel like that's where I'm at. I care about how my friends are doing, but think they don't really care about me, like she says I've learned to hide my emotions because nobody really wants to deal with you if you're not, in a good mood. I feel like I've said that to myself so much that I hide any emotion that may be construed as negative because nobody wants to hear that.

Alexis: 43:03

Yeah. I can relate I don't wanna say too much, but even like work, there was one point about the fever and stuff like I. I used to work, at one point I worked having complete food with 105 feet over because I just felt like there wasn't, I couldn't mm-hmm. Like, I couldn't take the time I was so sick. I had covid again. it was like the 17th time. It's ridiculous. I get it so much. I can relate to feeling like you have to keep going because you don't want, you don't want, you don't think people wanna hear you complain, but it's not even complaining, but just saying like, I have a problem, or, you know, you're just hiding it. You're hiding how you are really feeling because. Either you don't wanna disappoint or people just don't even want, you don't feel like they care enough to see it. Right.

Kristen: 43:59

Okay so that wraps up part one, the lies that keep us from loving ourselves as we are or becoming Imperf perfectionists. Part two that we'll be talking about next week that we're gonna start, that we're gonna be reading this week, is, lies that keep us from connection or how to quit performing and start belonging. we'll go through lies six through nine. any thoughts on this? anything you're looking forward to learning about how to quit performing and start belonging?

Alexis: 44:30

watch out world? You gonna see who I really am?

Kristen: 44:33

I picture you like having a robe around you and then you just like open it up and you're like, hello world. Here I am. And you open it and there's nothing under it. this is me.

Alexis: 44:43

That's not what I thought you were gonna say.

Kristen: 44:46

Oh boy. Let's talk with Kristen with an E after dark. that's where my knee socks are.

Alexis: 44:54

Oh goodness. No,

Kelly: 44:56

I'm excited. I think a lot of us struggle with fitting in to fit in. we almost put on a performance not really being ourselves. I'm looking forward to laughing more. the part about farting in front of her husband. No, I mean, I was dying because the point that my son was like, what's so funny, mom?

Kristen: 45:20

Oh, that's hilarious. Well, I also am very much looking forward to it. Alexis Kelly, thank you for joining me. Listeners, remember you can be a part of the conversation. You can reach out to me on Instagram, Facebook, email, or we have the Google form where you can go and, give your name or not tell us which part of the book you are commenting on. Put in some comments and let me know if it's something you wanna share just with us or you want me to share with the listeners Kelly Lexus, this was fantastic. I look forward to part two. Thanks guys. Thank you. Can't wait. Bye