Kristen: 0:36

Hey everybody. Welcome back today. We are so excited because we have a new friend joining us on the podcast today. Not that she's a new friend to me, but a new friend to all of you because you haven't met her yet. So please welcome Emily. Hi Emily. Hello. do you wanna tell the listeners a little bit about you?

Emily: 0:59

Sure. So my name is Emily, and I am a local business owner I own a dance studio and I've done that for about seven years now. Seven full years this May.

Kristen: 1:13

Okay.

Emily: 1:14

And then, recently engaged and getting married this summer. So big life changes on top of all of that.

Kristen: 1:20

Do you have the countdown for how many days till the wedding now?

Emily: 1:23

we check in every once in a while. We're try not to pressure ourselves. Okay, that's fine. That's fine. So we haven't checked in about week. It's within two months though, so we'll say it's within

Kristen: 1:30

two

Emily: 1:30

Yes.

Kristen: 1:31

So that's exciting. I'm excited for you. today we are talking about no surprise'cause it's during our Friendship series. We're talking about friendship. Now, the part that Emily didn't mention is that we do have a slight age gap between ourselves. Just a little. Which is kind of what we're talking about. Because you know, as we've talked some of the previous episodes about how making friends as children is super easy. It's the kids in your class, the kids in the neighborhood. It's almost always people your age. even when you're a little older going into college or starting work at entry level, it's still people around your age, then it gets to a point where you meet people outside that there's older people, there's younger people, and what would've been weird when you were 12 and somebody was 27. Now isn't as weird when you're like, you know, 22 and they're, 35 or whatever it is. so kind of curious to hear what your thoughts are or we could start with talking, about our friendship a little bit.

Emily: 2:25

Yeah. Do you wanna start with that? Yeah, absolutely. This summer of 21 Is when you guys first were at the studio.

Kristen: 2:32

Yeah.

Emily: 2:33

I would've been 21 when you first met me.

Kristen: 2:36

Oh, wow. And I would've been 37, going on 38. 17 years? Yeah.'cause you were born in 2000. I was in 99. Okay. Right, right, right. Yes. Close enough. So there's, 16 years between us. if I had been a teen mom, I would be old enough to be your mom. Which is weird. Like we don't look at it that way.

Emily: 3:00

Or you'd have just been the cool cousin.

Kristen: 3:02

Yes, that's what I would've been. There you go. Much better. we met in 2021'cause my son came to dance for your summer hip hop class. at recital, he did such a great job and I was like, I could do that. So then I joined dance class and then we kind of became friends outside of that too.'cause of shared interests.

Emily: 3:22

Yeah. We kind of knew similar people in town. I love that you like the history of I'm obsessed with

Kristen: 3:28

trying to find out the history of the town.

Emily: 3:29

So that was how we first, started talking Yes.

Kristen: 3:32

right?

Emily: 3:33

I gave you all my yearbooks. For you.'cause I

Kristen: 3:35

want to know everybody, which is kind of another one of the weird things. Like everybody in this town is connected. So I have this timeline in my head. Whenever I meet someone, I'm like, oh, what year did you graduate? And I put them on my timeline. And I know people back from like the graduated in like 1980, whatever, all the way up too. I mean, I guess if you count some of your kids that I know from, I know some seniors right now. Really? Yeah. So I like to know a little bit of everybody and how they're all connected, So I looked at all your yearbooks,

Emily: 4:02

so that's kind of how we started, our non-client friendship. That's right.

Kristen: 4:08

Yeah.'cause that was before we did the 5K together.

Emily: 4:11

Yes.

Kristen: 4:12

Mm-hmm. And then we did,

Emily: 4:14

and that's what led us into talking about. things that we were interested in. Yes. And doing things together. And we both go to the same coffee shop. Yep. So we started seeing each other Every, that's right. Tuesday morning. Yes. And then you would dance Tuesday evenings.

Kristen: 4:30

We started spending a lot of time together then.

Emily: 4:32

So then one spring break we did.

Kristen: 4:34

spring break. Yes. Our indoor 5K, our

Emily: 4:37

indoor 5K. And then that summer we did the outdoor 5K with our other, which was actually

Kristen: 4:43

Yes. because you guys were like, you can go farther. Right? I'm like, I'll go farther. If we go to the wandering bean, which is our coffee shop, and we get coffee. And we did. So it was great. I don't think we did another one after that. It was just those two, right?

Emily: 4:54

That was it.

Kristen: 4:55

Okay. Yeah. But then most recently, there was the book stuff too. You lent me some books.

Emily: 5:02

I sent you some books. We both have a love for strawberry shortcake. So we talk about that all the time.

Kristen: 5:07

I see strawberry stuff, I almost did today we stopped at Hobby Lobby and I have a whole strawberry kitchen section right now. But then you just had your bridal shower. I'm like, she doesn't need anything else right now. But there is some really cute strawberry things out right now.

Emily: 5:19

I love the spring.

Kristen: 5:20

So fun brings

Emily: 5:21

all the strawberry stuff.

Kristen: 5:22

yes, we both love strawberry shortcake. We have different strawberry shortcakes though, which is kind of the age gap thing. Because Strawberry Shortcake has rebranded herself several times. So I'm the one from the early to mid eighties. yours was what? 2002? 2003. Is that when she came out With the wide hat? Yes. And she's come out once or twice more after that too. So we love strawberry Short Cake. And then, our love for the theater.

Emily: 5:49

Yes. That brought us to our most recent Activity that we did together. My gosh, that was

Kristen: 5:54

so fun. so the friendship has kind of just morphed into different things because what it started as, like you said, kind of client, customer dancer, instructor, has then kind of blossomed into beautiful friendship But there is the age gap.

Emily: 6:10

Which like when we sit and talk, you don't notice.

Kristen: 6:14

I don't feel it at all.

Emily: 6:16

No.

Kristen: 6:17

It's interesting because I feel like some of it may be your maturity level too.'cause I think there are some people and like age becomes kind of irrelevant after a certain point. It's more where you are in your life and your thoughts and beliefs and values and all that other stuff that I don't think it plays as much into how old you are.

Emily: 6:36

Yes. I found myself at a younger age, always sitting at the adult table. I was always with my grandma and her sisters. And so my great aunts and my aunts and I was just a listener. Okay. I would sit and I would listen, like family stories, and I always found myself gravitating towards people who brought me that home comfort. going to school. People always said you're the teacher's pet. I was always running, filling the water bottles, doing the coffee. Like doing more of the adult style work. And then graduating high school, moving into college,

Kristen: 7:11

mm-hmm.

Emily: 7:12

So it's a total melting pot of people,

Kristen: 7:16

right.

Emily: 7:16

You have people who. Are in high school, still doing their associates program, moving to, the states to play soccer.

Kristen: 7:26

Okay.

Emily: 7:26

And then you have your local, high school kids? Mm-hmm. Or your local County kids who just, right. This is close to home. So this is where I'm going. Mm-hmm. You have your returning to the workforce people.

Kristen: 7:38

that's right.

Emily: 7:39

cause they're such a big,

Kristen: 7:40

To get all the programs. Yeah, like continuing education programs, So you have

Emily: 7:44

all those people who maybe they're switching careers or they have to get like a new certification. Right. And even in those classes, I wasn't sitting with the other 18, 19 year olds. I was sitting with the 3-year-old guy who just was like, Hey, I gotta be here for the day, like the year

Kristen: 8:02

No, and that was similar for me. I spent a lot of time with my grandma growing up. And I do think part of it is because of the people that you're around and that's kind of the way you are not necessarily raised, but what you're nurtured around. Like that's the environment you become comfortable with and what you gravitate towards with other people. Now, since we tend to lean more on the older side. Have you gotten into like old lady habits?

Emily: 8:25

Yes, I needlepoint. Do you? Yes. cooking. Recipes. I like hand write recipes. And I put'em in a recipe box. Everybody thinks that's so weird.

Kristen: 8:36

No, that's perfect. Because I collect old recipes. Oh, I remember that. And I've got boxes and boxes. and anytime we are antiquing, sometimes I'll see a really cute recipe box. But if it still has the recipes in it, it's gold.

Emily: 8:48

Yes. I

Kristen: 8:49

love old recipes, love stuff like that.

Emily: 8:50

Antiquing is a big one. We'll spend hours in the smallest antique store.

Kristen: 8:55

Mm-hmm.

Emily: 8:55

I have my old lady.

Kristen: 8:56

Yeah. Well'cause you wanna know like every story about it. Like I'll find something, I'm like, oh my gosh, I wonder who owned this and what the story was behind it. Or if there's anything that has like writing in it. Like I bought one time an old ledger book or something. And they'd written down a bunch of different things about like, it was kinda like a diary. And I was like, this is brilliant. I wonder what happened to Henry and Matilda or whoever it was.

Emily: 9:16

never know

Kristen: 9:16

the end of the story. And there's some stuff that it's like. It's almost sad, like somebody's whole life and it was just an estate sale or just given away by the family but everything has a story.

Emily: 9:27

Yeah,

Kristen: 9:29

I love anti. I think I found that I've leaned more towards older people, which is funny'cause you're younger than I am, But I know that as I've gotten older, it's not weird to be friends with old ladies.

Emily: 9:45

People who are just older and not that, like you were saying, 16 years, that's not like in reality the biggest jump mm-hmm. That you can be friends with. But for me personally, I work by myself. I don't have coworkers. So I have parents of the kids that I teach. And kids that I teach. Which I always just refer to like my students as my kids. Oh, my kids are here, my kids are doing this. And in reality, I have no children. I feel this instinct towards them'cause I'm with them and I watch them grow. Yes. Year to year. I'm even like that, the younger side of it, I have these girls that are in high school that they. Will reach out to me. They have problems or they just wanna talk to somebody that they know is just gonna listen. Not necessarily gonna fix anything for their high school drama. Yes. And then, just feeling confident in that relationship of being almost like a role model.

Kristen: 10:45

Mm-hmm.

Emily: 10:45

And showing them more like you can be yourself. And that's perfectly okay. And that's one reason I really like your podcast I'm able to pull them. Like it's not just me thinking that yes, it's other people are relating to this. So I can use that knowledge then for my younger friends.

Kristen: 11:02

Mm-hmm.

Emily: 11:02

be like bringing them along with me in life Girls, you can do it right.

Kristen: 11:06

which is so important because I feel like in some aspects, there's not a lot of that in the world. Like what you see on social media. And all the fakeness and be this, be that. It is hard, I think even harder for girls now than when we were growing up about being able to focus on that, be yourself and kind of get through things.

Emily: 11:25

Yeah.

Kristen: 11:26

So how do you navigate that, teacher to student or mentor to person, to friend? Like how do you navigate those relationships so that, like how you keep their confidences, but how, just how do you navigate those?

Emily: 11:44

I a lot of times have to remind myself that. You can have friends, you can have people that you're close with and you can have acquaintances. Yeah. And that's a big thing for me, personally remembering these, yes, I'm gonna call'em my friends in conversation. But they're children, I'm an adult. And they're more of an acquaintance, somebody that I know Kind of thinking of it as a school teacher perspective. There are certain things that, if you were to tell a school teacher, the school teacher has to tell, right? An authoritative figure. Mm-hmm. Or they have to call your parent and they know there's a certain line that Sure, there's inappropriate things to talk about and there's appropriate things to talk about. Mm-hmm. And that could be anything from. Going on a date with a boy, like, I don't necessarily wanna hear that. I hope you had fun. I hope you're, you know, doing what you're supposed to be doing. Wear your seatbelt in the car. Yes. I always tell them when they leave, drive safe, like mm-hmm. Still having that authoritative figure over them Right. Is I am the authority in the room. Mm-hmm. And kind of knowing that my very first year teaching. Was a knockdown, drag out power struggle.

Kristen: 12:50

some of those students were ones that you had just been dancing with before.

Emily: 12:53

them for years and then I go into the front of the room and they're supposed to listen to me.

Kristen: 12:59

Yeah.

Emily: 13:00

And it was kids that I had babysat. My cousins and family, friends and people and it, that was the hardest thing as 18 to be like, okay, you're an adult now. You have to set the boundary, right? You have to tell them, we can talk about certain things when we're stretching or when we have downtime, but once I'm teaching. That's it. That's all we're doing. I feel like we even have that in our class where. The groups start talking and everybody's having their side conversations and I'm like, okay guys, let's go. at that point I'm the younger person in the room.

Kristen: 13:40

That's right.

Emily: 13:42

Because I also teach adults.

Kristen: 13:44

Yeah. that's interesting. I've noticed sometimes, it always becomes more later on, especially because this is my third year dancing, and every year it's been different people. We have some of the same students, but then we have new people that come and then the next year some of those new people left or stayed. Then we get more new people. the first. A couple months of class. It's not as Gier Japery. Yeah. Like it's just, we're all there to learn and it's all new but it's like as people become more comfortable and more relaxed, then it's more of a social setting than it is the dance part. And that's not necessarily a bad thing. But I have noticed too, sometimes it's like. Poor Miss Emily just standing at the front and nobody's paying attention. Like, Hey girls. And they said, the teacher's pet parts. And I'm like, well, I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing.

Emily: 14:33

that's kind of across the board how. all my classes are even from my little bitties up to my adult classes. It's that beginning of the year everybody's trying to find their ground. Who am I friends with in the class? Who am I gonna stand next to? Who am I talking to? She's talking, so I'm listening.

Kristen: 14:51

Mm-hmm.

Emily: 14:51

I try to set those boundaries early on, like we're coming here to work.

Kristen: 14:55

Mm-hmm.

Emily: 14:56

This is a fun space. This is a safe space. And I want you to be able to talk to me and be relatable. But we're working. you're here for a reason. You're not just getting dropped off for an hour.

Kristen: 15:09

That's how some of them treat it. But that's okay. You know, everybody's gonna do their thing our friend Mary, who's in my class, she has said that it's like a slumber party. And it is because we catch up on people's lives and what's going on. But you're right, there is that work aspect. we still have to learn it and know the steps because when we dance at recital, we're really a reflection of you too, because it's your instruction and how well you have taught the classes to do it.

Emily: 15:34

And I think that helps with my younger kids knowing that. We're not best friends. Yeah. Like they are going out there to prove to themself that they learned something. Mm-hmm. And to put on a show. my friends are the people that come from my studio, my youngers And my olders. I have my friends from my school. But on one hand I can count who I talk to

Kristen: 15:56

Since

Emily: 15:56

we graduated.

Kristen: 15:58

Yeah.

Emily: 15:58

And it's just kinda that thing where we grew up, we grew apart, we don't see each other every day.

Kristen: 16:03

Mm-hmm.

Emily: 16:04

My students I see every week. Multiple times a week. So it's just being kind of in their lives a little bit more.

Kristen: 16:11

Well, I think that's part of a friendship thing too. It's that proximity piece. Like you can have friends, like texting friends and people that you keep up with from afar. But there is something to be said about seeing everybody, whether it's daily weeklys, some recurring basis because you're more in their life and you know what's going on.

Emily: 16:30

I think that has a big thing to do with, who I consider to be that close friend.

Kristen: 16:34

Mm-hmm.

Emily: 16:35

Is that proximity, just like. Going to school. Mm-hmm. And you see the same kids every day. Right. You sit in the same classroom every day. It's who do I see at the gym? Mm-hmm. Who do I see at the grocery store? Yes. And it's not necessarily that those people are friends, but they're familiar.

Kristen: 16:52

I see that I go to the same checkout girls at Walmart and I start to feel like I know, and I have, there's a girl who, she was a fantastic cashier, at Walmart for a while and we would go through her line all the time you kind of get to know people. now she works at the eye doctor's office, like there's,'cause again, small town life. but it's, and it like, and she's pregnant now and I'm friends with her on Facebook I'm excited about her having her second baby. we're not, real friends. But friends, like air quote friends, like, I am interested in her life and wanna keep up with what's going on. So I do think it depends on who you're seeing. have you transitioned some of your kids when they're your students and that you've become friends with them outside in the real world after they're your students? Do you have any of those continuing relationships?

Emily: 17:36

This group that's leaving this year is really special to me. Mm-hmm. and I think maybe they will be people that I see outside of the studio. Okay. it kind of works into, okay, we just graduated, now we're friends on Facebook. Mm-hmm. Now we're friends on Instagram. We're seeing each other's lives in a different perspective.

Kristen: 17:54

Mm-hmm.

Emily: 17:55

'cause before then, I try not to have any social media contact With my students.

Kristen: 18:00

Right.

Emily: 18:01

Things like that. I still use Remind as how I talk to them because I can set an age limit on there. And anyone under the age of 13 has to be approved by an adult.

Kristen: 18:12

Okay.

Emily: 18:13

And that 13 to 16 is the same way. I think I have it set to where they have to be double approved'cause they're underage.

Kristen: 18:20

Okay.

Emily: 18:21

And then, pretty much after recital every year I get, you know, everybody wants to be Miss Emily's friend. before then I'm friends with their parents. And I see their lives again through a different perspective Their parental view of their life. I see their photos, their highlights of their sports, of their prom.

Kristen: 18:39

Mm-hmm.

Emily: 18:39

And then you friend them and you start seeing a different. View of Places that they hang out their interests that maybe we didn't talk about in the time that we were friends all these years.

Kristen: 18:51

Right.

Emily: 18:52

some of the kids that have graduated, they move on and go away to college or do different things. honestly, I haven't had that many seniors in my seven years.

Kristen: 19:01

That's true.

Emily: 19:02

Last year was my first. Big group.

Kristen: 19:05

And this

Emily: 19:05

I have six leave.

Kristen: 19:06

Wow.

Emily: 19:08

So I think some of mine from last year we're kind of getting into that social media friendship.

Kristen: 19:14

Mm-hmm.

Emily: 19:14

Where we're commenting on each other's posts, we're liking each other's posts, that perspective of friends.

Kristen: 19:21

So what is it that you look for in a friend?

Emily: 19:24

similar interests. Okay. Like is what would capture my attention first?

Kristen: 19:28

Mm-hmm.

Emily: 19:29

Like Frank saying, Frank wining the same places.

Kristen: 19:33

Mm-hmm.

Emily: 19:34

Okay. She looks like she could be my friend and kind of go from there. I would be like my number one.

Kristen: 19:41

Okay. What would your number two or number three be like if that's your entryway one? because I've talked on the podcast in previous episodes, and ones that are still maybe coming up in the friendship series, About how I have struggled in my life to get past those shallow friendships. Like I find people that maybe like the same things I do or have something in common, but to get to those where you're having heart to heart conversations and sharing your vulnerabilities, I have a harder time getting to that. So has that something then you've experienced?

Emily: 20:10

Absolutely. That is right on it. I always considered myself to be the optional friend.

Kristen: 20:16

Of

Emily: 20:16

the friend group. I could be invited, I could not be invited. even at a really young age, I felt like probably fifth and sixth grade. Awkward times more towards sixth grade. Is when I realized that I had all these friends because we were in school together. And then you would start seeing, that's really when Instagram became,

Kristen: 20:43

I was trying to do the time in my head of like, when social media entered your life.

Emily: 20:47

So I had an iPod In sixth grade and I think I had Instagram. That would've been 2011.

Kristen: 20:56

yeah, it was around then.

Emily: 20:58

So

Kristen: 20:59

that's when I was beauty blogging and using Instagram a lot, all the filters.

Emily: 21:03

So not until I was in seventh grade

Kristen: 21:04

Okay.

Emily: 21:05

I had Instagram and I started noticing they hang out without me.

Kristen: 21:09

Mm-hmm.

Emily: 21:10

And not necessarily that's a bad thing. But you start just feeling a little different. I had one best friend growing up from kindergarten to seventh grade. I had one best friend. We did everything. We went everywhere. Sleepovers, our moms knew each other, things like that. And she was a friend that I made at school. And it wasn't like a, because we lived in the same neighborhood, it was just a school friend.

Kristen: 21:33

Right.

Emily: 21:35

And then. She went on to do other things in junior high, and I went on to do other things in junior high. But we were still just friends. But that's where I started making my new friends too, because she had her new friends and I had my new friends. Yeah. But it was always me sitting at the lunch table with my friend and their friends. Like I always felt like I was the outsider Of every group Again, not that it was a bad thing. I was friends with everybody in high school. But I think that's why I leaned more towards my teachers'cause they were a constant.

Kristen: 22:06

Mm-hmm.

Emily: 22:07

And at home I have three siblings and my mom and dad and cousins.

Kristen: 22:13

So

Emily: 22:13

it's not like I needed to hang out with somebody outside of school because I had other people to hang out

Kristen: 22:20

with.

Emily: 22:20

Even now, I think about some of the friend groups that I'm in, and how I got there is because I knew somebody who was in a friend group. So I would even say that is how I've made most of my friends as an adult, is by having one mutual friend with a group of friends. And then kind of learning. Other friends and, okay, I could be friends with this person, or these are my kind of people. Kind of fitting into that.

Kristen: 22:50

Yeah. And it's hard to do that because I've been in similar situations where you're brought into a group And you're like, okay, but you always feel like, they're the friends and I'm just kind of here. Or I've done it too, where I've known this person and I know this person and then I introduce them and they're friends and I'm like. Okay. Like I'm still a part of it and like you said, there's nothing wrong with it. It's just weird to see dynamics. So for a lot of my life, it's been kind of that, like where do I fit? like you said, where are my people? Like everybody has their, their people, their tribes, their group. Mm-hmm. Whatever you wanna call it. And I'm like. I think I'm a fun person. a good friend. Why is it so hard to get my group? I've mentioned on the podcast before and I need to share the video on my socials so people can see it. But Brene Brown has this great conversation about the difference fitting in and belonging, and I never explain it as good as she does, but there's this thing where like. Fitting in is where you try to make yourself fit or you'll change or you'll do something so that you fit the area you're at. Belonging is when like you're really a part of it and it's a part of you. And that's where like I can fit in anywhere. I'll be whatever you want me to be, which. Is a problem in itself, but I'll morph to fit whatever is there, but then I'm left feeling empty because I'm not being authentically me. I'm changing something about me to be what I think other people want me to be. And it's not that belonging piece.

Emily: 24:20

That's another thing I would say I've always had something in common with everybody. Or I've found what we have in common. Yes. And we kind of build off of that why am I pulling all of this material that I'm digging for to make this friendship

Kristen: 24:35

work?

Emily: 24:35

not that I've ever had a bad experience. I've never had a messy friend breakup. I've never lost anything like that. We've just grown apart or We have different things in common with other people that maybe pull us closer to them.

Kristen: 24:48

Right.

Emily: 24:49

I was, I still am friends with everybody that I meet, but that's where I have to tell myself, this is an acquaintance. Mm-hmm. You're not necessarily gonna be best friends. Right. But life. Is crazy, just like in itself of mm-hmm. who's going where and who's going to do this. meeting people's girlfriends, meeting people's boyfriends. That was always a big thing too. And maybe they had friends. Mm-hmm. And now, like me and Chase are getting married and getting to know all of his friends mm-hmm. That I went to school with.

Kristen: 25:21

Right.

Emily: 25:22

I never talked to.

Kristen: 25:23

Right. This is a different friend group. Mm-hmm. Different

Emily: 25:25

circle. Like he had his friend group, I had my friend group, and we went to the same high school. We went to the same school for 13 years. And these were all kids that I knew. So now as an adult going into this relationship and it's like, wow, we all have something in common. And that's really nice to just kind of go to somebody's house and hang out and talk It's not like you're trying to make everything happen. That's where the belonging is very important That relationship should almost be natural.

Kristen: 25:54

Well, and'cause you all kind of have shared memories too. Like even if you weren't in the same classroom as each other, you were in the same class or similar classes. So you can be like, Hey, remember that time in eighth grade when so and so did whatever, and you've kind of got that memory, together. So it's almost like a shared culture too, because of everything that you guys had been through back in the day

Emily: 26:16

and just like learning new things that. I like to do. I'm still learning things that I like to do and places I like to go and meeting somebody who likes to do that too. My cousin is a big person in my life. We're the same age. We grew up two hours away from each other, but she's like my family best friend.

Kristen: 26:35

Mm-hmm.

Emily: 26:35

She's not my best friend. Right. She's my family best friend and she has friends

Kristen: 26:40

mm-hmm.

Emily: 26:41

That I'm friends with now because. Hey, we're gonna come up and we're gonna do this together. Do you wanna go with us? Yeah. Oh sure. We'll go hang out. And now we've got friends that we went to Alabama with last year. She knows because of me, and I know because of her and building that little group, but they're not friends we see all the time.

Kristen: 26:59

Yeah.

Emily: 27:01

But that belonging is there.

Kristen: 27:03

But

Emily: 27:03

Hey, we're really good friends. Mm-hmm. How did this happen?

Kristen: 27:06

It's just the shared experiences and the time together Now, do you find if a friendship that you're trying to work on seems to be too hard, do you keep trying or do you know when to be like, okay, I'm trying too hard, It's not working, and then you stop. How do you handle situations like that?

Emily: 27:22

I think I am the type of person that. will exhaust every mm-hmm.

Kristen: 27:28

Like,

Emily: 27:28

I'm just not devastated when it doesn't happen, but it's like I've drained myself.

Kristen: 27:35

Mm-hmm.

Emily: 27:36

And that's that like almost the people pleasing in me To be like, okay, but we, we have a good time together. So how could we, make it where we're friends,

Kristen: 27:46

doesn't always work though.

Emily: 27:47

It doesn't always work. And that's okay. everybody's not gonna be your cup of tea. Right. You tried it. And maybe you learn something from that person

Kristen: 27:54

I think it's important to look at it the other way too, which is something I've kind of done more recently, introspectively, is I'm not going to be everyone's cup of tea you mentioned the people pleasing thing and it is so hard for me to think somebody doesn't like me or somebody's mad at me.'cause then I'm all like, what's wrong with me? Why don't they like me? What did I do? And get in my head. When really, and I think it was my friend Sarah who brought this up you've gotta take a step back and be like, but do I wanna be friends with them? maybe it's not about me. Or maybe it is, I don't know. But when you try to force something with somebody over and over again, you have to stop and think why am I doing this? Yeah. And that's okay because not everybody is supposed to be best friends with everybody. there are people out there that you Meld with better and your whole life is a journey and as you go along, there's different people you meet along the way that may be with you for a stretch of a journey. And that's okay.

Emily: 28:47

Yeah. I definitely have a friend that I have reached out, Hey, let's get coffee, let's get dinner, let's, mm-hmm. Over months and months and it's always, yeah, we'll do it. We never do it. And it's not that we don't want to, but our schedule is just never aligned.

Kristen: 29:08

Mm-hmm.

Emily: 29:09

We live in the same town, so you would think, it's gonna be so easy.

Kristen: 29:12

You would, but it's not,

Emily: 29:14

being an adult is not, after I do homework, we can ride our bikes down and meet over here. It's, well now I have to do laundry, I have to clean my house. Like there's other things of being an adult that just sometimes get in the way of. Being a friend.

Kristen: 29:31

Mm-hmm.

Emily: 29:32

And it's again, not necessarily a bad thing'cause you have to take care of you and your life. She has to take care of her and her life. And that is where I get to the point where I'm like, okay, I texted her five times in three months and it's just not gonna work out. It's okay.

Kristen: 29:50

And see, going back to the age difference thing, I think that is something that I have found beneficial I was friends with some older ladies and they were a different place in their life, so they didn't have kids. So that was one thing they didn't have to worry about, like their schedules. You know, they had work or whatever still in a husband, but they weren't, you know, navigating soccer games and basketball practice. their schedules were more open, so it made it easier to schedule them When you have people who have jobs, families, kids, their own activities, that gets harder because you only have so much time to dedicate and you have to decide where your priorities are. And I think friendship, to me is a priority. But I can't put it, ahead of my husband and son. I'm sure sometimes they feel like I do. Like you're going out again, But it's so important to make that time for you and making friendship a priority if that's something good for your mental, emotional health.

Emily: 30:42

And I think me being like the younger is. I don't have kids and so you wanna come to my kid's soccer game? Absolutely. I'll come sit aside and not watch your kid play soccer. Yeah. We get to hang out. We get to watch your kid play. Like that's a big thing. I have been to so many football games.

Kristen: 31:02

Basketball

Emily: 31:02

games. I've watched cheerleaders. I watch my dancers, like I sit with their parents and

Kristen: 31:07

mm-hmm.

Emily: 31:08

I think that's how I performed that relationship as well with especially my students I will come support you. Mm-hmm. Do something, but I also have friends who are moms who I will come support you being the mom. Mm-hmm. I'll help you. I'll load your wagon, I'll help drag it behind you while you're getting your kid dressed. Oh, so it kind of like you were saying. Mm-hmm. the schedule is just different.

Kristen: 31:33

And sometimes that works out when you're not both busy and in the Chaos of whatever season you are in. Being able to be in different seasons. You can be there for someone else and they can be there for you which is why it's important to have people. Different areas. Yeah. And stages. as we're talking about being in different stages of life, how do you navigate different life experiences? have you had any struggles with people and maybe, what was going on in their life was harder for you Friends that are your age, a lot of them have already been married or not married. How do you navigate when the friends that you are friends with when their season changes? how do you navigate that?

Emily: 32:13

so that's kind of going back to my friend that I talked about, trying to plan something to just see each other. She got married right outta high school. Oh,

Kristen: 32:20

wow.

Emily: 32:21

And it was just one of those things, like I had to understand her life was changing faster than mine was. we text. Social media is a big thing We see each other's lives, but we just aren't in each other's lives. I still consider her my friend Because she knows what's going on, but she might not know the deep nitty gritty stuff I've also had some friends and lost some friends over the last couple years of being in and out of a relationship and going to those who are married and saying, I really don't know what I'm doing. to hear their perspective of, we're married, but we really don't know what we're doing Either. We're all just living and working it out.

Kristen: 33:02

Mm-hmm.

Emily: 33:03

But I was in a position for a long time of like limbo almost. Like being stuck in the middle of a long-term relationship with somebody and being super close to his family and having all those people. And then it didn't work out. So we're moving on with life and losing all of those people.

Kristen: 33:29

Mm-hmm.

Emily: 33:29

And that's probably the biggest friendship shift I've ever had. Even graduating high school.

Kristen: 33:36

Well, yeah, because that had gone on for so long in your life and so much of your. Young adult life and becoming a woman kind of thing. That it was very pivotal and I feel like losing those friendships was really almost like grieving a loved one nobody died. to be clear, But I feel like that's kind of the way it would be, in any other long friendship where you've had that. Yeah. I think that's even people, I'm not divorced, but I imagine that's what some people going through divorce might have too. Because you have all these friends that you've built together. And maybe some you've brought in or they've brought in, but then it's been this thing. And then how do you choose, you can't all be friends with the same people still I just feel like it's difficult.

Emily: 34:21

I feel like that's where we fall back into that. social media friendship.

Kristen: 34:26

Mm-hmm.

Emily: 34:27

Where you know what's going on in their lives. They know what's going on in my life, but we're not necessarily seeing each other and speak To each other. But we still run into each other at the grocery store. At the coffee shop. We have those little moments of friendship together. And nothing's wrong. Nothing's bad. It's all friendship. It's just a different type of friendship. And like you were saying, it's that grieving of. What you had.

Kristen: 34:53

And what could

Emily: 34:53

have been like knowing that they would've been a really good friend to have going through planning my wedding? Yeah. Or a really good friend to have just marital questions. Mm-hmm.'cause they have been married for years. Yeah. But then you also have to look at, I've gained a whole new set of friends mm-hmm. Who they'll never replace. That new friendship with these people. Mm-hmm. They're all older than me. They're all married, they all have kids, and we don't, they've all been a group for years and feeling like that outsider again.

Kristen: 35:28

Mm-hmm.

Emily: 35:29

But my biggest thing is not feeling intimidated by the group. They're always welcoming. inviting me to do things with'em. Life's always gonna change.

Kristen: 35:39

Mm-hmm.

Emily: 35:39

always gonna have people in your corner that are older than you, younger than you, everybody has a different life experience regardless of what you're going through.

Kristen: 35:49

And you can learn so much from everybody. But you brought up a point, we've talked about social media friendships, I think of it as Observing friendships. Yeah, like you're observing their life. It's almost like watching a reality TV show. you see what's going on, but you may not actually know what's going on behind the scenes because you feel like, oh yeah, I saw so-and-so went to this, or So-and-so's kid is doing that. But it's just from what you see and what they choose to show, which is a different aspect too. Yeah. But it is weird when you run into people like that,'cause I've had it too where there's people, and like you said, people kind of grow apart and go different ways. You're not not friends for any reason, but you're still like social media friends. And when you see them in real life, it is kind of a weird thing too. Because it's like, you know what's going on with them, but you haven't talked in real life in so long. the dynamics of friendship are so crazy. what encouragement would you give listeners to embrace unexpected friendships?

Emily: 36:46

You always have to take a chance'cause you never know. you're meeting somebody for the first time and you have to be open with yourself and with them.

Kristen: 36:57

Mm-hmm.

Emily: 36:57

So just kind of waiting. You gotta give it time. Waiting it out, giving them time to open up, giving yourself time to open up, I texted you today. I'm in your driveway. I know that anxiety I'm not just gonna walk up and knock on our door. I'm not just gonna go over to a person and say. I just saw you. Let's be friends. Mm-hmm. You gotta have the icebreaker first. giving it time to see where it goes.

Kristen: 37:25

I agree with all that. one of the words you said that, spoke to me was open. just be open to meeting new people sometimes when you go looking for friends, you may not always find the right ones. But if you are Open to meeting people, you may find new friends that way too. being open to people that are different than you. Also, because, you know, we've talked about having things in common, but just seeing someone you don't know right off the bat if she has something in common or he or whatever. Yeah, if they have something in common with you. I think it goes back to the age gap thing too. Like there may be somebody. Who's 10, 15 years older than you. There may be somebody who's 10, 15 years younger than you, and they may like all the same things you do, and you just have to be open to giving the opportunity of getting to know them, but also being open to let other people get to know you.

Emily: 38:16

I think that's a great way to put it, like just the openness of relationships, because you could go. Really far with somebody one way. Or just completely shut them down within a conversation. So hearing them out, what they have to say, but also hoping they're hearing you out.

Kristen: 38:37

Yes.

Emily: 38:38

And if they're not, you can try again.

Kristen: 38:41

Well, to not be too judgey too. just because somebody shares a post or likes something and you don't agree with it, doesn't necessarily mean you shouldn't be friends with'em. maybe that gives you an opportunity to talk about something like, Hey, why is it that you think this? can we talk about this? I don't wanna get too deep into politics or any of those touchy subjects, but still getting to know why people think what they do or why they do what they do. Being open and honest to hearing their answers and just don't judge them right away.

Emily: 39:08

Having different interests. I look for people with similar interests. But having different interests is what keeps you friends. Because you have to be able to do your own thing. You are your own person. you're not the plastics. You're all not the same.

Kristen: 39:23

Yes. It'd be boring if we were. you can learn new and different activities with other people too, we have some friends that very much enjoy hiking, like a lot. I'm not an outdoorsy person unless I'm laying out at the pool. So when they first asked me to go hiking with them I immediately texted back and I was like, guys, does this seem like something I would do with No thank you. I don't exactly what I said, but that was like the attitude. And then my husband, he's like, yeah, but if you wanna be their friends, you sometimes have to do things they wanna do because if there's something you wanna do that they don't wanna do, you still want them to do it with you. So again, back to the word open, being open to other experiences. went hiking with him the first time. Loved it. I was like, this is fantastic. Got myself some hiking shoes. I'm like, this is great. Let's go hiking all the time. Second time, not as great'cause we went on a black diamond and it was terrible and I felt like I was gonna die, climbing a literal mountain. but I survived too and it was fine. I'll probably go back with them again if they in. Me.

Emily: 40:23

Yeah. New experiences. And you are the type of person that can share an experience that maybe they don't have already.

Kristen: 40:30

Right.

Emily: 40:31

So everybody has that in them. Everybody has their own interests. They're not always everybody's favorite thing to do. But it keeps you friends to have different interests and. Something to talk about

Kristen: 40:43

that's kind of how we did it as kids too, right? maybe you wanted to jump rope at recess and this other girl wanted to swing, so you would go swing with her and then she would come jump rope with you. it's so simple to just try new things and be open to experiences and open to people. Regardless of what age they are or what they have going on in their lives.

Emily: 41:03

You never know if you don't try.

Kristen: 41:04

Well, Emily, this has been wonderful. I wanna thank you so much for coming on. You are invited back anytime.

Emily: 41:11

Thank you.

Kristen: 41:12

do you have any final comments you would like to share with the listeners?

Emily: 41:16

I would like to thank for having for your Friendship podcast.

Kristen: 41:20

All right, we'll talk to you again soon.