Kristen: 0:36

Hey everybody. Welcome back. Today we are continuing this Friendship series and we are gonna be talking about making friends as an adult, which sounds like it should be easier, but is it really? today joining me, I have Kelly. Hey Kelly. Hey Kristen. Thanks for having me No problem. I'm excited to have you here and I am super excited to talk about this because, I have found making friends as an adult. Harder than I thought it would be. How about you?

Kelly: 1:09

Yeah, I think so. when you're younger, before the social media age, You don't care so much about what people think of you. it kind of is what it is and I think it's easier to put yourself out there. And make friends when you're younger than it is when you're older you have all of these things and life and baggage that you carry into friendships. adult friendships are definitely more challenging to find.

Kristen: 1:34

Yeah, I mean, even in just what you just said, I feel like there's so many directions we could go with that, because the social media thing, I definitely wanna talk about social media and the role that it has in friendship because while there's positives. In some aspects I see more negatives to it, but I feel like there's a lot to unpack there. So we can hold on that for a minute. But the other part about making friends and the baggage you bring into it. Can we talk about that for a little bit too?

Kelly: 2:02

Yeah.

Kristen: 2:03

Yeah,

Kelly: 2:04

it can be a lot

Kristen: 2:05

so this is something my husband and I were just having this conversation'cause I was talking to him about how, we're talking about friendship on the podcast, having one best friend and all this stuff. he told me, it's kinda like when we were growing up and taught. That whoever you're gonna marry, there's one perfect person for you. He said, I think somewhere along the way, we may have thought that about friends too, that there's this one perfect friend and we're always trying to find that one friend, He's like, you're basically looking for a friend that is you. And I'm like, yeah, like somebody who likes the stuff that I like. He's like, no, you are looking for a friend that is you. You want somebody who wants the same things you want. Does the same things you do is just like you. And when they do something that's not what you would've done, then you get upset about it'cause they're not meeting your expectations or you want them to do a certain thing and when they don't react the way he's like, you go in to friendships a lot like with all this stuff in your head. do you think sometimes there's struggles with adult friendships because of expectations you have or because you're looking for something specific?

Kelly: 3:05

I think there have been times and seasons where that was definitely more true than others. I don't know if it's just. From all the different people that I've encountered, I've kind of had to reframe that mindset and realize in, a marriage communication is so important. I think that's true too, when you're trying to build a really solid friendship you have to communicate.'cause like you said, your friends aren't gonna always meet your expectations. There's gonna be things that they do or don't do that, you think, well, I would've done this, and they didn't. And so it's hard to, not get upset sometimes, but that's when communication is so important and just being able to talk through some of those things. And sometimes it's little things and it's not worth bringing up. We have to realize that, we can't hold everyone to our own standards, but when it is a friendship that you feel. is valuable and important to you. I think we do have to have that communication aspect to talk through some of those things None of us are perfect and we do things that upset each other, and so I think being able to talk through that, even with friends is really important.

Kristen: 4:18

Right. So before we can get to that point, we've gotta make friends. How do you find, you know, you've moved around a little bit. What are some ways that you have tried that's worked, maybe some ways that haven't worked when you are looking to find and established friendships?

Kelly: 4:36

Yeah, so we've definitely moved around, four states and 10 years of marriage and we're not even military. I think back to when we were. living in Ohio and outside of work, I had a really hard time meeting people there. It was an odd time and an odd community. But that being said, for those who do work in, a corporate job, that honestly sometimes can be a great place to make friends. Mm-hmm. I've definitely had jobs where no thank you. I don't wanna take that. I will talk to you all day in the cubicle, but. Let's leave it there. Right. but thinking back to the job that I had there, I actually made some really great friends and, to this day I still talk to one of'em. Oh, wow. Not all the time, but we still check in with each other and I just loved her to death. And so, you know, if you're struggling to find friends and you do work a job. That is an option sometimes. but yeah, I would say when we did our last move, to Maine, I don't know what it was, but I was in my thirties at that point, and. I think just really craving community. my best friend lives very far away from me even before we moved, she lived in another state Other than family being nearby, we just didn't have community. And I just kind of had gotten to a point where I was like, it's fine. I don't like people. Yes. I'm antisocial, you know? Mm-hmm. we had just gone through covid a few years ago and that made things weird with people so I had settled at that point and was like, it's fine that I don't have friends to do anything with. when we moved. It was like a switch flipped in me and I was like, I really want community, not only for myself, but just for my family. Mm-hmm. as a whole and for my son to, grow up. I remember growing up, my family had. A handful of other families that we were just so close with that honestly were more like family to us than some of our own family was. And to this day, some of those people are still very much a part of my life. And so I love the idea of just building community for myself and for my family. when we moved here. That's what I started trying to do. it's hard, you have to be intentional about it, like friends. Most of the time don't just fall into your lap.

Kristen: 7:19

Right.

Kelly: 7:20

and so there's, and. Multiple ways that I've gone about that, which we can get into. But what about you? Because you've done some out-of-state moves as well.

Kristen: 7:30

Yeah. I've done multiple out-of-state moves, and it's kind of like being the new girl in school every time it happens and you're trying to figure out, where is my place here? Where do I find my people? How do I do it? Like you've said, work is always a thing. when we'd first moved here. what I found about St. Louis community is there are people here who have lived here their whole lives, so many people are still friends with who they went to high school with, who they went to college with, and I had a really hard time breaking in I had a girl I met at work, we were in a class together and she invited me to her book club, which was great. I love reading. We had a monthly book club. We get together. There were some other things we would do together, and I loved it. I had so much fun, but at the same time, it was like I was with her and her friends. Like I never really felt that I was one of them because a bunch of them had gone to college together. They'd known each other for years. So they were very into including me. And I felt like I was a part of it, but at the same time, I wasn't really, if that makes sense. So, that's one example. I used Facebook and Meetup a lot of times to make friends. meetup was back when I was in Virginia, so this was probably still oh 7, 0 8 when social media was there, but it wasn't what it is now. And Meetup, you could join different groups and Finding people to become friends with has never been a huge challenge. I've always been able to find places and then, as my son's been in, different playgroups when he was little, and now at school I meet people that way. But what I'm finding is there's a difference between knowing people having acquaintances or social media connections and actually having friends with real human connection. And that's Where I struggle when it comes to adult friendships a question I wanted to ask you is you know, you can be in a group of people, you can find places, but how do you actually start those To be a friend. it's hard because I feel like you can't just go up to somebody and be like, hi, I am Kristen. Do you wanna be my friend? that feels so silly. But when you look at friendships from when we were children to friendships when we were adults, that's how we did it as kids. I remember fifth grade and we had open house. you'd go and, meet the teachers, see your classroom. I had known there was gonna be a new girl in our class, we were in the classroom, looking around. I saw this girl and walked up to her and I was like, hi, are you the carer girl that's supposed to be here? And she was like, what? And I was like, hi, I'm Kristen. it was so easy then, and it wasn't a big deal. I'm not saying I was braver but it was socially acceptable that you could just go to somebody or on a playground, you would, you know, go over to say and say, hi, I'm Kristen. You don't wanna be my friend. But as an adult, I feel like that's so silly. I think in my mind, everybody's already friends with who they're gonna be friends with and everybody already has their connections and nobody's looking for new friends. And so I am just this weirdo on the outside of everybody else's bubble. Floating around waiting for somebody to see me and be like, oh, let's invite that girl in. So I try to always be the, when I am the girl on the inside and I see that person on the outside, I try to welcome people in. But my question is then how do you get to that point? how can you start initiating friendships? What advice do you have for that Kelly?

Kelly: 10:54

Well, I'll start by saying that I pulled a very silly goose move the other day because I essentially did just approach someone and say, Hey, do you wanna be friends? Not in those exact terms, but yes, I did. it was very outside of my comfort zone. even though The last two years have been outside of my comfort zone. Yeah. And making friends. I have made some really great friendships here in the last two years. but that was very out of character for me. Mm-hmm. this girl, we have had a couple of interactions on social media and then face to face. For the purpose of her buying something from me. I was selling some things in a Facebook group that my friend who was moving kind of started she's like, yeah, you can list your stuff in here. this girl bought a couple things from me. our interactions were Hey, I'll meet you at such and such at this time, and then in face like, here's your stuff. Thanks for the money. That was that. she has. four kids, but two of her kids are very close in age to my son. Okay. And he is been really struggling for the last six months because his best friend moved to the other side of the world. And a lot of the friends I've made here have kids who are much younger than him. he's homeschooled Not to say he's not socialized. you know, he's in sports and church things and whatnot, but he is really missing that like close connection he had with his friend that moved. And so I like, you know, I know of this girl. I know she has kids close in his age, my friend. Really likes her. And so I was like, Hey, maybe we would get along. Yeah. And maybe our kids would get along. So I messaged her and was like, Hey, this is very random, but I was wondering if you wanna come over for coffee and let our kids play. she was like, I would love to do that. they're coming over in a couple weeks. that was so unlike me to do that. But sometimes you just gotta put yourself out there. as far as, like you were saying it can be easy to meet people. through, sports and whatnot. my son plays basketball and he was in T-ball and now he's starting coach pitch He's done swimming lessons and soccer. you're always around other parents and it's like, Hey, how you doing? see you Friday, whatever. Yeah. And that's great. But, to build those deeper, meaningful friendships that not only do you chat when you're together, but you can call them and be like, Hey, I need help, whatever. Or someone to talk to when you're having a hard day. I have built those friendships here too, and I'm very thankful for that. But it definitely takes putting yourself out there, but also a lot of effort, And I tell my husband this all the time'cause he loves to say like. I don't have any friends, and I tell him, you have to be a friend. First, like, you know, friends don't fall into your lap, and chances are the people that you're talking to and that you're like we chat, but we're not really friends. they might be feeling the same thing. so I think making those first steps. and for me, what I have found here,'cause like you said, when you moved to Missouri, it's kind of a hard community to break into And feel a part of because everyone grew up there. that could not be more true of Maine, I have cousins here in the next town over. And I'm telling you, they're on Fourth or fifth generation in that town. it was very normal for Mainers to just grow up and stay in the town they were raised in. And then raise their kids there. it's very generational here. coming into that, it was very like. I am definitely an outsider. Mm-hmm. Even though, you know, like I knew all about me and I grew up coming here. Yeah. I have family here. I was still very much the outsider one of the first things that I plugged into that helped me get to know people, was a book club it was great. I met a lot of people through that. I'm not in that book club anymore, but I built some really good relationships through that. if you're wanting to build solid, really meaningful friendships, you can't do it by just. Talking to those people. Yeah. When you see them at these group events. so what I started doing pretty soon after we moved, I just started inviting people over so that we could have one-on-one. that is where I've built some really good friendships it's a little uncomfortable at first, when we lived in Virginia, we never. had people over, which is crazy because I grew up there. but it's different. people, don't stay there. that area is very much like people come and they go. even a lot of the people I grew up with, weren't around anymore. I had family there so I just kind of Fell on that and didn't crave community. I could probably count on one hand how many times I invited someone over to my house. That's sad.'cause you had the cutest house.

Kristen: 16:09

I mean, your one in Maine. Yeah. And pictures looks nice too. But your Virginia House was adorable. I went to your house. You did. But you're family. Oh, that's true. Right.

Kelly: 16:21

And so when we moved here, I was like, you know what, we're not doing this anymore. I have cousins, but they're very busy and their schedules are very different from ours. I was like, Nope, we're not gonna be loners here. And so we just started inviting people over and building relationships that way. it was actually funny'cause one of the first times we did it, the couple we had over, were like, thanks for doing this. Like, I feel like not a lot of people. Do that here. Mm-hmm. it's very much you see them at things. and this was from someone who grew up here Oh, wow. it's just not super common for people to invite random people over. so we started making it a point to do that. we've had, people that Jeff works with, we've had multiple people that we've met at church. it's kind of just been like, oh yeah, we've talked to this couple. Multiple times at church. they always sit on the row in front of us, so let's just ask'em if they wanna come over for dinner Friday night. very out of character for both of us, but it's been so huge in us building a community here.

Kristen: 17:31

Well, and I love that. And so many of the things you said, I think one of the big things is you're right, it has to be intentional. You can't just go on autopilot and think friendships are going to work. And that's not just the creating them, that's the maintaining them too. it also, I feel like it's a little bit like dating, like you're putting yourself out there I joke by saying, Hey, do you wanna be my. Friend, friend, but at the same time, it's kind of like that, like, you know, you asking That girl to come over for coffee I think part of it is because I'm still dealing with insecurities deep within my brain that the fear of rejection is So deep within me that I'm like, well, what if they don't like me? Like, what if they don't wanna be my friend? if I ask them to hang out and they're like, Ew, no. Which I realize nobody would probably say out loud, but in my head I'd be like, oh, their eyes totally sad. They were like, Ew, no. I struggle with that. And it's weird because At certain times or with certain people, there's certain people I feel very intimidated by. Like, oh, she's really pretty. Oh, she's really skinny. Oh, she's really popular. And I realize, I sound like I'm 15 right now with the fears. I still have, but it's like, well, she wouldn't wanna be my friend. people already have friends. They're not looking for new friends. But I think that you're right that there are other people who are looking for it and they're almost waiting for somebody else to do it. So you need to be the one to do it. And there's a really sweet lady, she's The mom of my son's friend. And she and I, you know, we've seen each other, you know, like birthday parties or school events and I do, I really like her. And it's one of those ones Where're like, oh, we should hang out. And she had texted me, it's been, probably a little over a month and, you know, kind of talking about things and I was like, oh, we should do coffee sometime. And she's like, yeah, I'd really like that. And we still have it. So Jenny, if you're listening, we will get coffee. I do wanna be your friend, please. Let us do this. I think that it's important to kind of, and it may not work, but you don't know, just like dating, go out for coffee, do an activity, hang out, get to know them. Like you said, invite them over. I don't know if it's my personality or my age now, but I long more for those simpler things. I would love to just have a game night, I love. Board games, and I would love to have people over because you're doing an activity it's not weird if the conversation lulls, and you can have multiple people over for it. And you're right, just inviting people over. But then the voices in my head are like, oh, but my house, it's not perfectly decorated our living room is very lived in, it's clean.'cause my husband, I. Thank God for him is very big into cleaning and organization and you know, we're opposites that way. So it's great. He's in charge of that stuff. So our house is clean, but like our living room, it's got our son's artwork on the walls. we've got like. Lego things on the bookshelves and memorabilia around and knickknacks.'cause all of us, my husband, myself, my son, were into antiquing. So we have a bunch of just what some people might call crap, but we think our treasures Do I want those people inside my house to see what I'm like if I'm trying to put my best self out there, so people will like me, do I wanna invite them in here? And then they're gonna be like, oh, this girl, she's a nutcase. Like, let's not be her friend. I know those are the insecurities talking, but like you said, when I was younger, I still had insecurities, but it wasn't about friendship stuff. It was like, ah, whatever. this is me, you can like me or not. when it came to friends, I might have been delusional, just figured everybody liked me. Like, why wouldn't you wanna be my friend? I'm a great person. but as I've gotten older, I still think people should like me and I'm a great person, but it's different because I see all the things that I think are wrong with me. And I worry that if I let people in, other people will see what's wrong with me? And then they don't wanna be my friend. Does that make sense?

Kelly: 21:22

Yeah, that was something I had to push myself to get over, after we moved and started being intentional about inviting people over. when we lived in our old house, that you so kindly called super cute. I worked really hard at that. it was very important for me. I don't know why. for one thing, I just enjoy decorating. And that's fine. And I've still done that here. I think part of it was because I was on social media a lot more back then than I am now. Mm-hmm. And so, you know how that is. I do you compare and you feel like. Your life and your house should look a certain way, I fell into that when we lived in our old house, and I wouldn't dare invite someone over. If everything was not in its place and I'm talking like no toys laying in the floor. Oh. Despite the fact that I had a 3-year-old, like everything needed to look perfect. when we came here and started inviting people, I almost fell into that again. We have hardly even talked. I need everything to look great. So that they think that I have my life together in my house together. Right. And that just couldn't be further from the truth. And one really great thing about Mainers is that. Most of the time they're not trying to impress anyone. and I just really love that and I have started to settle into that myself. coming here and starting to make friends and going to different houses made me realize, oh, Their house looks like a normal house too. they have dishes in the sink and I'm not judging them for that. So it's probably okay if there's a cup in my sink when someone comes over There was a time where I, if someone was coming over, I would take all of Ethan's artwork off the fridge and wipe all the fingerprints off. and now I'm like, no. why would I do that? so many people come into my house and look at like his artwork and stuff and they're commenting on it and having conversation with him about it and like. I think we just have to, and it's not easy and it's not comfortable until you start to do it more, but we have to get over that concern that people are going to judge us or think less of us. the reality is they're just gonna see that we're a normal person, like they probably are too.

Kristen: 23:52

And I think it comes from like we have to accept ourselves so that we can allow other people to accept us the way we are. The people that I do consider friends, I have no problem with just having them over. Like, yeah, come over whenever. And I don't even care if there's, dust certain places or whatever. I had somebody over and she asked if she could use the bathroom. Like, yeah, but it's a boy's bathroom so I can't promise it's gonna be super clean. I try to clean my son's bathroom'cause that is the guest bathroom when people come over. So I try to keep it clean, He's a 12-year-old boy. I can't guarantee what's going on in that bathroom But again, those are people I've already established friendships with, so I don't care. You've seen me at my low. This is my house. This is me. I was thinking more like when you said I wanna be your friend and come over to my house. That's where I'm like, how about let's meet at the coffee shop and let me see if I want to invite you to my house. I think that's important. if we can talk about the social media thing for a minute, because I know that you have let go of it more, and I love that I have not let go as much, but I feel like my social media posting has become more intentional because my social media viewing, perusing, scrolling, whatever word you wanna use is not healthy. I get into that comparison game and it's not healthy for me. I get more depressed about myself, my life, whatever. honestly, I have a great life. I shouldn't be depressed about any of it, but I'm like, oh, so-and-so's doing this, or so-and-so's going there. So and so has this. And I feel like you know. It can affect some of my friendships too, because people who may not be super close friends, if all I know from them is on social media, it does paint a picture. And there are some people, and I think we've all done it right? You see somebody posting and you're like, oh, if they're posting again, and you know, they're posting it for attention While I am trying to be more authentically me, I almost get more irritated when I see people not being authentically them. And I realize that sounds terrible and I sound like such a judgmental beat or whatever, but I feel like. Okay, we can all admit Facebook is fake. Like yeah, it's your highlight reel. It's the best things, whatever. But at the same time, I do think there are some people that post just to make it look even better than it really is. And when I know that it is not, that bothers me more. When I post. I even stop and think about why am I posting this? Am I posting it for me? Am I posting it to get likes or views or clicks? Or am I trying to show off to someone? I don't even post that much about my son anymore. I'm proud of stuff he does, but most of the people that are on my Facebook aren't going to care. You know, funny memes or something that I think is, like the other day I shared something and it was like, don't invite me to anything that has a chaotic parking situation, which is legit. Yes, I do not want to parallel park if it's a stressful situation. I don't wanna, if have to pay for parking, I don't know how to pay for it. parking is huge for me. And that's something I share because one, I think it's funny. Two, it is authentically me and I think other people can relate to it. So I feel like my Facebook has become more of just that like sharing funny things or sometimes I'll share like. Some of the big things, you know, when we went to the mother Sun dance, like I shared that because I do want to show my memories again, Or if we're there with other friends and I wanna share pictures so they can see the pictures there. And too, like I'm just more intentional About what I share. social media can help, but I also think it can negatively affect some in-person friendships too. Thoughts on that? Yeah. I agree that that's your thought. You're like, yep, Kristen, you said it Good job. I'm like, social media is the devil friendship. You're like, yep. You said it.

Kelly: 27:50

I met my best friend through social media and It can be a great thing. But at the end of the day, I think the whole purpose of social media has changed. initially it was intended to be a way to connect with your friends or distant family. And that was cool. but. it's not that anymore for most people. Granted, yes, some people still pretty much just utilize it to share, pictures of their kids to friends and family who are far away And that's fine. I don't think it's bad to use it. and I'm still on it. but I think the whole intention behind social media has just. Gone so far from how it started and now it's just so much politics and people arguing with complete strangers. Yes. Which will never not baffle me. I do not understand. I know keyboard warriors like whatever, but that's a whole different topic. It is. But yeah, it is so easy to fall into the comparison game. Or you know, like you said, I've kind of had some of this where I utilized Facebook to connect to people that I've maybe met at church or wherever we've met, sports, things like that. And I've used it to be like, oh, like let me like,'cause obviously I don't just like walk up to you and be like, Hey, what's your number? Right. so it's a little more socially acceptable To friend request them connect. And then Facebook message. Yes, I've carried that into Messenger and built things from there. Ask them to come over on Facebook Messenger. I think it can be a great tool. But even with that, sometimes it's like, I wanted to connect with her, so let me add her on Facebook. you add them and then you start scrolling their page. And that can give you preconceived notions about this person and who they are, or what they like, or what their personality is like when really it's so far from the truth. and I think also it can be easy, especially with our friends who are nearby, it can be easy, especially if there's someone who does post a lot. I think it can be easy to feel like you're in the know. And that you're keeping up and that, you don't need to check in because you see their Facebook posts every single day. But chances are they're not posting on Facebook about what's really going on in their life. And so we can't let ourselves fall into that lie of like, I know what's going on because I read their posts every day. It's just not true. And so I think it's important to keep that in mind and be super intentional even with those friends who are very present on social media Checking in, just like you would on a friend. Who never posts on social media.

Kristen: 30:49

No, and I fully agree with that that was the other thing I wanted to talk about is how it almost gives a false sense of friendship. Because like you said, you're like, mm-hmm. Oh yeah, I like her posts all the time. I comment on all of her pictures, like, yeah, we're good when really, maybe she's posting all those things because she's hiding what's really going on. Facebook is your highlight reel and all the things you're proud of, sometimes people will use it as a way to, hide what's really going on.

Kelly: 31:14

they're not airing. The real nitty gritty of life. That they maybe really need to be checked in on about, you know? Yes. like just for example, last week was a really hard week here in my house. For me, like everyone's fine, but it was just me. I cried and was really going through it emotionally. Even when I was very present on social media, I wasn't posting things like that, you know? sure. You might do the classic little, picture of your coffee cup and you're like, oh, mamas, it's been a tough week over here. I feel you. Like, you know what I mean? Yes. I keep it real on social media, but you're not really sharing what's going on. And so, yeah, I think it's just really important to keep that in mind and still be intentional about reaching out and connecting in real

Kristen: 32:06

life.

Kelly: 32:07

Mm-hmm.

Kristen: 32:08

I agree. you can't just replace face to face or even, text to text, which I know is still impersonal, but you can't replace that with social media. I would love to see a world someday. Where people are more authentically themselves in real life and on the internet. I'm not saying post the worst of the worst, but like you said, I wish people would feel comfortable being like, Hey, had a bad day cried at work today. and again, I know you wouldn't really post that out there, which PS I'm almost two months of not crying at work, so we're winning there, February 5th was the last day I cried at work. Not like I'm keeping track. I'm totally keeping track because for a while there, there are a lot of tears in my office. So every day is a win. I wish that it could be, you know. I don't know if you're too young to remember this, but back in the day we used this thing called a OL Instant messenger, also known as Oh, for sure. do you remember using, cryptic lyrics to leave a message? I remember one time in college and I specifically remember, I, I made the message, it was lyrics from I think, oh, I'm gonna have to look it up, but. It was the bad day again. Song you had a bad day. Yes. Whatever. Right? So, also remind me never to sing on the podcast again, but, I had put lyrics from that because I was just having a bad day. Like, I don't know what it was, but it resonated with me. why can't we get back to that? Even if it's a little cryptic, why can't we get back to a OL instant messenger days? Where you used phrases to talk about what your actual emotional state was so people knew what was going on with you. let's normalize that again.

Kelly: 33:49

Well, and even in the early days of Facebook, it was, totally acceptable to post song lyrics as your status. And it was very cryptic most of the time. But like everyone did it and that was fine. And it's so funny because I still occasionally find myself wanting to post song lyrics on my Facebook status. Same. Let's do it. And I'm like, this would just be so weird.

Kristen: 34:14

And then I'll go and like it. I think nobody does that anymore. I think we should do it. Let's start doing it. there's a lot of trends I've brought back that I take credit for. I have brought Scrunchies back. Yes, I have brought butterfly hair clips back. I am still working baby barrettes and zigzag parts, which I know are gonna catch on eventually. I just have to keep marketing it. So I also think I can bring back lyrics as status updates on Facebook.

Kelly: 34:41

last week, I was told that zigzag parts are coming back. this came to me from someone who's pretty on top of trends and very active on TikTok, and I said my sister-in-law started that.

Kristen: 34:56

love that.

Kelly: 34:57

I said she's been trying to search that for a while and she said, it's becoming a thing again.

Kristen: 35:01

So there you go. Manifest it. Making friendships, being friends. It's hard. I do think that, we've made some really good progress in talking about, it's about being intentional. It's about finding someone and putting yourself out there and accepting people for who they are. Also accepting you for who you are and knowing that the right people will be there, and I think that's what it is. I think part of it too, we've talked about being intentional and putting the work in, and making the time and doing the things. Sometimes it's okay if a friendship doesn't work out. Have you had any examples of that where you have tried to make a friend and whether it was you or her or whatever, just kinda like, yes, this isn't our thing. have you experienced that?

Kelly: 35:48

I was just gonna say, on the topic of it's okay if things don't work out and things don't turn into a friendship. this example popped into my head there is someone who I invited over, I think the first time I was like, let's grab dinner or something. And then it was kinda like a Yeah. And then never heard from her. And then ran into her and. I texted her after the fact just like, Hey, good to see you. still would love to get together. Do you wanna come over for coffee? And suggested a day and it was like, yeah. And then no response. I don't know if it's like completely unintentional. Mm-hmm. Like I've learned some people just really are bad at like responding to text and that's okay. I don't know if it's that or if it's me trying to make a friend with someone who's Not on the same page as me. I dunno. But I'm. Okay with that. there was a time where I would've taken that so personally and been like she probably thinks I'm an idiot because I've asked her twice now And just been really hard on myself, or felt like nobody wants to be my friend. Yes. How we can get all in our feelings and extra dramatic, And I feel like there was a time where that would've been my response, but I just think I'm in a place now where I have very intentionally built some really solid friendships that I'm like, sure, I'm always up for making new friends. I've got this girl coming over in two weeks and maybe that'll be the start of a new friendship. Maybe our kids are just gonna like each other and we won't actually vibe. I don't know. But that's okay. we don't have to be friends with everyone. It's totally fine to have acquaintances and, we're not going to build a deep friendship with every single person we encounter. Every single person that we even maybe go out to for coffee with occasionally. and that's okay. When you are being intentional and seeking people out and putting in the effort to the friendships that you know, just click and that really means something. it. It's gonna, it's gonna make those other situations. Just easier.'cause you're like, it's okay. no hard feelings. I have my people.

Kristen: 38:22

And I think you're right, and being intentional too, and it's being able to know when to keep pushing and when to stop. Because like you said, the girl who hasn't really gotten back to you yet, but she could be going through something hard, like maybe her. Yeah. And I'm completely making this up just for, you know, example purposes. Mm-hmm. Like maybe your husband just got laid off, maybe her mother got diagnosed with cancer, like maybe she actually has some stuff going on in her life. And she hasn't been able to get back to you, but now she needs somebody more than ever and you should keep trying and,'cause just the timing was wrong. I'm not saying that's what it is, but it could also be that. She's, she doesn't wanna do it, but she's not, Forward enough to be able to just say, no thank you and is, Leading you on in a way. And it's hard to know those things. And that's the other thing, while we're coming up with all these things, we need to normalize, we also need people to be able to know that no is a complete sentence. for the longest time, if I didn't want to do something or whatever, I try to go with the excuse, oh no, I'm sorry, I have. To wash my hair that night. It wasn't that bad. But finding a reason to not do something because I just couldn't say no. Whereas I've gotten to the point now in my life where it's more of a, oh, thank you so much for thinking of me. I'm not gonna be able to go, I really appreciate the invitation, but I'm going to decline at this time. I don't owe. Anybody an excuse, or a reason or a justification I don't expect that from anybody either. I have some friends who are still working on boundaries and struggling with saying no. So if I ask someone to do something, I've come right out and said, Hey, look, I'm asking you because you're my friend and I want to include you, but I am okay if you say no. you don't have to give me a reason. this happened recently with a friend of mine. she came back'cause she's like, you know, no, I don't think I can because of, you know, whatever, whatever. And I was like, see, you said no. Like, didn't that feel good? And she was like, no. I'd really like to go eat. I was like, oh my gosh. But, it comes with practice and it comes with time, but we don't have to do everything with everybody and we don't have to try to force friendships with every person. And it's okay to say no. And I think that's important too, is knowing, when to say it and how to say it, but you don't have to give excuses. You can just say No, thank you.

Kelly: 40:40

Yeah. And I feel like in today's society people are so easily offended. Yes. And people take everything so personally. Yes. And so speaking for myself and everyone else out there who's listening You can't take everything as a personal attack. Mm-hmm.'cause a lot of the times when people decline or whatever, it's not even about you. Right, exactly.

Kristen: 41:06

So, I don't know. We'll get there, I think be intentional. Be a good friend. Make friends where you can, but don't feel like you have to force it with every person you meet. Social media isn't real. Let's use song lyrics and have zigzag parts. Yes. That's the moral of this episode. If you get nothing else, stop Harding your hair in a zigzag. There's YouTube tutorials you can find, because I know it's hard sometimes, but we're gonna bring it back. Yeah, go post the song on your Sabbath, please. Yeah, so, so next time you're on Facebook, you see if I get song lyrics there because. Yeah. All right, Kelly, this has been wonderful. Any final closing thoughts, advice, stories you wanna share before we wrap it up?

Kelly: 41:58

if you're in a season where you're wanting to build deeper face-to-face friendships and build community with the people around you, Put aside your concerns of what someone might think of you and know that they're probably normal. I think we put such high expectations on people and think that there's something that they're not. we expect ourselves to portray that as well. don't be afraid to dive in it's gonna feel uncomfortable, but speaking as someone who's been practicing this for almost two years, just start doing it. start asking people to grab a coffee with you or invite them over to your house, even if it's a little messy. and again, they may come over one time and you guys may never plan to hang out again, and that's okay. or. They might come over and it could be the start of a really awesome friendship.

Kristen: 43:00

Yes. I love that. And I think I would add, be comfortable in accepting yourself and who you are so that you can allow other people to accept you the way you are. Also, don't read into things too much. Don't take yourself too seriously. Mm-hmm. Don't take things too personally. And just be open to whatever happens and do his z exact part. Yeah. All right, Kelly. Well, as always, this has been wonderful and I can't wait till we talk again. So we'll talk soon. Sounds

Kelly: 43:32

good,

Kristen: 43:32

thanks.

43:33

Yep.